As we were talking and having an intimate experience of friendship on the beach, I found my heart wanting more. I wanted more connection. A more profound sense of a bonding experience that proved our care for each other. I wanted to give my friend a handjob or blowjob. I was inclined to express my love for my friend in a sexual way that could make him feel good and loved. It was just for lust's sake, but to show I passionately love my friend.
This happens weekly. Sometimes daily basis.
It isn't anything new. This is the walk of carrying a particular cross.
A cross that the Church simply can't understand still.
(Honestly, it's been 6 years since I originally wrote this post, and now, I think it is just that the Church moves too fast and doesn't want to take the time to understand the complexity of what homosexuality is like in daily life.)
I pray God will take this desire away from me, but he doesn't. So I just deal with it. Jesus is daily telling me I don't have to follow him. "You don't have to carry this cross," he says. "You need to count the cost before you decide to follow me. Don't complain either."
I tell most of my guy friends I have this desire to do something sexual with them whenever I feel that longing. And they listen, pray for me, and still hang out with me. They carry the burden of my wanting to connect with them in sinful ways, but they also understand that I want to connect with them in profound godly ways.
As most Christians stay silent about the gay convo, not do their research on the fallenness of human sexuality and the experience of this with people that deal with these issues, men like me are trying to figure out how to live under the tyranny of idolized marriage, idolized nuclear family, and the loss of valuing friendships and the complexity of singleness in the 21st century.
As I have to listen to sermon after sermon on how great marriage is, how every example a pastor preaches is related to his marriage, and how Jesus loves the Church like a marriage, how marriage is under attack, how marriage is not valued anymore, how there are marriage conferences and retreats every six months, I’m trying to deal with the fact that I can't give my guy friends hand jobs or blowjobs.
And this is painful.
It hurts.
I cry.
I feel the pain in my chest.
I feel the longing to connect with men in what feels natural and loving to me and from me, but God says it is wrong. It is disrespectful to him. To his creation. To what friendship is. I wonder,
"Can I ever show my friends that I passionately love them?"
Can I ever show my friends I love them in a Church that only knows how to value marriage and family?
It is annoying to hear what women say about men regarding how they operate and communicate. Sometimes I feel like responding, "Hello! You can have sex with them! Fuckin calm down! Get over yourself. No one is forcing you if you don't want to be with them. You don't have to get married."
And this is the difference between those that struggle with homosexuality and those that don't.
We are forced to be in a community with people we are attracted to or want to have some deep bonding experience with but can't, even if it is healthy. The Church doesn't have time for that. And all the sexual longings we have towards men, which we don't choose, have to be controlled by us. There isn't an outlet. This isn't about an orgasm. It is about connecting in a certain way we are not allowed to. Expressing love and care for friends in a way we can't.
Yea, heterosexuals have to control who they want to have sex with, but they can eventually pursue those relationships. Those of us who struggle with homosexuality don't get to do that.
It isn't the same. Don't compare both wants of sexual desire.
And this causes extreme dissonance within us. We are going crazy about this. This makes us do things that we don't want to do. It makes us needy and trapped.
Sometimes I would rather die than deal with this dissonance.
I can be hanging out with a friend, and all of a sudden I just want more in that situation. I want to touch him, experience him, and express this deep passion in me that I love him. I want to give him pleasure. I want to give him a handjob, a blowjob, but I can't.
Imagine dating someone for two years before you get to have sex (for Christians, that is an eternity); you get engaged and get married, but then you remember you can't have sex with them. Then you hear how they can still have sex with another person but not you. That situation would suck, right?
I think the correct response should be, "Fuck that!"
That is similar to how we Side B Christians feel.
On top of it, we feel an indirect rejection because our guy friends don't want us to do something sexual with them anyways. Double burn. I used to wish I was a female so men could want me a certain way.
Then the heaviest questions come from our religious leader.
Jesus
"Can you be transparent with my Church and share your sinful burden of wanting to give them hand jobs and blowjobs?"
"Can you grieve with them the heaviness of struggling with homosexuality?"
"Can you give up wanting an orgasm with them and embrace the truth that it is a sinful desire?"
"Can you trust they will love and care for you as they include you in their family?"
"Can you trust not experiencing an orgasm with your guy friends doesn't mean you are not connected to them in deep, profound ways that even their marriage can't offer?"
"Can you realize they are worth having in your life, despite this pain?"
"Can you be there for them as they talk to you about their marriage, sex issues, and good times of sex?"
"Can you look at them naked and not lust after them as you go skinny dipping and streaking and experience healthy normal human settings?"
"Can you help them process dating, seeking my Kingdom first, being in their wedding, being okay with the loss of time you will experience as they get married?"
"Can you handle they will not be having sex with you, but they will be having sex with their wife?"
"Can you work on not getting jealous?"
"Can you handle they will at times idolize marriage, their family, and put you on the back burner and then come back to you because they finally understand you are important? Or come back to you because they realize their spouse is no longer giving them what they need?
"Can you forgive them as I have forgiven you?"
"Can you be like the giving Tree"? ( I am not sure if the Giving Tree had good boundaries, though)
"Can you make healthy boundaries, communicate your health needs and expectations, and hold them to that?"
"Can you handle the topic of Singleness as the Evangelical Church avoids it? Really, they despise it and don't even teach it or value it."
"Can you handle the church treating you like a child molester when I know you are not?"
"Can you trust my cross has brought justice to your situation and that I will settle this soon?"
"Can you cut off friendships that need to be cut off? Even if you want to have sex with them?"
"Can you love your guy friends you want to have sex with, want to give hand jobs too, blow jobs too? In a way, I say you should love them?"
"Can you trust I am real, and I will meet your needs, and that you are in my Eternal Kingdom?"
"Can you speak against gay-affirming theology and reject the unhealthy sinful nature you have and not give in to your sinful desires?"
"Can you trust the pain you are experiencing cannot be compared to the glory you will experience when my Kingdom is fully present on Earth?"
"Richard, can you love your guy friends like I love the Church?"
Many men who struggle with homosexuality avoid friends they are attracted to or situations in which brotherhood occurs because they are afraid to deal with these heavy thoughts and desires. It causes too much pain. They end up losing out on great Christian friendship.
My plea to the Church is that you will pursue us and help us carry the burden that Jesus asks us to carry. Even Jesus needed help getting the cross to his death point.
We can handle knowing we need to die to this sinful part of us, but we can't handle doing it alone and seeing a future of doing this alone.
This is really heavy for us. We need men and women who will hear our hearts, thoughts, and longings and still embrace and not be afraid of us.
Give us a shoulder to cry on, a long five-minute hug, a couch to sit by you on, a bed to share when we feel lonely, and experiences of adventure and intimacy.
Please just help us. This burden is too much at times.
Sometimes it feels like we are just trying to make it until the New Kingdom comes. There is no Heaven on Earth for us during that part of the Lord's Prayer.
We just trying to make it until Heaven comes down.
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