“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies … the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.” - Henry Nouwen
The 4TS and the Church are something I have been writing, talking about, and sharing with others for them to help anyone that will come into their life that struggles with homosexuality. I often write because I am inspired by events that are taking place in my life then.
And this summer has been a summer of sorrow and sadness.
Last year two of my closest guy friends got married, and I was able to experience so much fun, love, and acceptance through their weddings and marriages.
living up to my shortness
Throughout this past year, I have become closer to another friend and his family. He has an amazing sharing and caring wife and 3 fun kids!
Matthew and I at a coffee shop on a Friday night
Three couples have been giving me hope marriage can bless and include others.
They have given me hope Christians can open up their home, their lives, their dinner times, their family time, and their family vacations and extend these moments to those outside their immediate family so that others can be known.
A friend and his wife offered me a chance to move in with them during their first year of marriage, and most responses I heard from other Christians were, “I would never do that.”
Kolby and Bethany have continuously contacted me, called me, let me visit them repeatedly, and I took them to my favorite place in the world, Zion! They have heard me vent and get mad at whatever I get mad at.
And Matthew and Sheela have allowed me to visit their house about three times a week, eat dinner with them, hang out with them, talk to them late at night; I can go on.
Regarding these men, Kolby and Matthew, I have been extremely blessed by their friendship.
Kolby has been a friend of mine for years. He was there when life got super heavy. He was put in the middle of a very complex situation in my life, and throughout this time, he has shown me love, care, and dignity. He listens to me, debates me, and we can get mad at each other. I learn from him concerning theology and philosophy, but I also know I get to push against his fun conservative views a little. I have been blessed to have a friend who wants me to be a Christian following Christ with all my heart. We both care for the Kingdom of Jesus and have many talks about that. Our friendship has been difficult at times because we were both learning what it meant for Christians to struggle with homosexuality, specifically me, at the same time navigating college break ups, friendship break ups, and our passionate beliefs. Kolby has given me his full attention regarding understanding what it means to struggle with homosexuality and hearing my views on how great friendship is. Kolby is also another friend I am excited to have for life!
Matthew Hooper was a surprise in my life. We met because I wanted to hear the pain he and his family went through as their church split up over the topic of homosexuality. We met up every couple of months the first year I met him, which has now turned into a phone call every other day and a visit to his house three times a week. He and his wife gave me an open-door policy to their home. One I wish I had taken more advantage of.
Having late night talks and snacks with Kolby Bethany, Matthew, Sheela, and their kids.
These men and their wives have impacted me in big ways.
They have each given me the 4TS.
They have given me TOUCH(long hugs, even when I pull away).
They have given me TIME (Probably the most important of the 4TS in my life right now).
They have given me TRANSPARENCY.
They have given me TEAMWORK, belonging, and a home.
But this summer, I have been experiencing some pain over these friendships.
I got to hang out with Kolby and Bethany for about 2 weeks, and we had a great time, but when they left back for Chicago, my heart was reminded we don’t live by each other. I can’t grab a coffee, beer, or dinner with Kolby and Bethany whenever we feel like it. I can’t play spades with them on a weekly or monthly basis. I can’t live in a community with them.
And this past month, I had to deal with Matthew and his family moving up to Nor Cal.
I am experiencing loss, pain, sadness, and what Henry Nowen calls love.
My heart started hurting today.
I realized I had lost families today that have loved me well.
Families that have known me well and let me know them.
I get to see them still. I will get to visit them and get to see another part of this country and have fun doing that, but it doesn’t take away the fact that I can’t go over their house anymore and watch a movie.
I can’t go to their house anymore and cry about my pain in my life.
I can’t go to their house anymore and eat dinner with them.
I can’t go to their house anymore and get a hug from them.
I won’t get to live around them as they have kids and experience that new journey.
I won't get to know them as much and they won't get to know me.
I will be missing out on a lot.
Struggling with homosexuality sucks, especially when the church still doesn’t know how to love, care, know, and include us in their life.
Matt and I at Disneyland
But losing the families that know how to love, care, know, and include you is just as painful as struggling with homosexuality.
There exist an emptiness in my heart right now.
Not a dark emptiness, but more of a house you call home and one day you come home and all your furniture is gone.
I think C.S Lewis says it well when it comes to grief in one’s life, ““And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
It is still your home, but your furniture is gone, so you need some new furniture.
I still have friends around me that know me and will let me know them.
Some friends still have a hard time caring for me because they are unwilling or haven’t learned how to open their hearts to allow someone like me to be fully accepted in their lives.
And that is okay.
I pray God helps them and shows them I can love and know them and be a part of their family the way my three dudes and their families have allowed me to be.
But at the end of the day, I am in a season of hurting as my friends move away.
I have been trying to embrace this pain. This pain demonstrates the love I am experiencing. The love I have been blessed with.
I love my friends, and choosing to love them means embracing the pain that comes along with that.
I have friends today that cause me pain, yet their love barely touches the love these couples have shown me.
This shows God has given me new friends to experience love and pain as my old friends move away.
Part of the 4TS is teamwork. Teams change every once in a while.
We need to adapt and trust the management.
Trust that God meets our needs through the Church just like he is meeting the needs of Christians all throughout the world that are being killed for their love towards God.
I love my friends. I know I will get to see them throughout my life.
I hope Christians that struggle with homosexuality get to experience friendships as I have. I hope they get to experience the 4TS with married folks.
I hope married Christians remember their marriage isn't about them, and they can love and give others the chance of being known, just like God gave humans the chance to be known.
Chilling out with Mickey Mouse and that is Bethany's brother. He is really cool. Glad I get to make new friends through my friend Kolby's marriage!
But life can get scary when you lose the people in your life who don’t just love you but know you and want to keep on knowing you. I have friends that seem like they don’t want to know me.
Tim Keller says, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life throws us.”
To some extent, I am losing that now.
I don't feel as known by people right now.
But I have to trust if God is real and loves me and cares for me, he is going to meet the deep needs in my life,
so what do I do now?
Well, As C.S. Lewis wrote during the time he lost his wife and was mourning and processing his grief....
“I know the two great commandments, and I'd better get on with them.” - C.S. Lewis
Walking towards fulfilling the two great commandments.