As a Christian man who experiences same-sex lust and attraction, one of the most challenging situations is feeling confined to a box where expressing deep affection for male friends is not accepted.
Many Christians still believe that homosexuality is solely a matter of sinful desires without realizing that the underlying issue for men like myself is the struggle to form genuine connections within our Christian brotherhood.
Our desire to form meaningful connections with our male friends is not solely driven by lust but rather by a deep sense of love and brotherhood that we seek to express in healthy and socially acceptable ways.
While we see the potential for our friendships to develop into more profound and meaningful relationships, the various factors contributing to our same-sex attraction can make it challenging to express our love in a socially acceptable way. Nonetheless, we strongly desire to develop passionate and deep connections with our male friends, be fully present in each other's lives, and share our journey together.
I find myself attracted to most of my male friends, but it's not just physical attraction. I am drawn to them emotionally, spiritually, and socially, and I could write volumes about why I find them attractive in every aspect of their being.
In my journey with same-sex attraction, I know I have wrong lustful desires to have intimacy with my male friends, and I have good godly desires of intimacy with my male friends.
There is a split in me. God isn't redeeming me to be attracted to women. He is saving me to love my male friends and see them correctly.
My sinful way of expressing my love for my friends is by wanting to show them passion by giving them hand jobs or blowjobs. Giving them anything they want without boundaries and ensuring they are first in my life instead of putting the Kingdom of God first. I want to ensure they can have all the pleasures in the world without consequences. I want to experience sex with them and experience their heart beating rapidly as they orgasm. I want to share passionate lust with them.
But.....
I also want to love my guy friends like Jesus loves the Church passionately.
Whenever I watch a soccer game, I build up envy because I see these men on a team love each other passionately whenever a goal occurs.
They are running all over the field, hustling and battling against the opposing team to score a goal. They are sweating, breathing hard, and physically using their bodies to defend, attack, and outplay the other team. They know how each other works. They know who is fast, slow and who can be there as they make the play to achieve the scoring goal. They are yelling at each other, encouraging, trusting, and building on top of each other's hard work to make the play work. When it happens, when they score that goal, they celebrate that victory by jumping all over each other, kissing each other, hugging each other, and experiencing the passion for success and teamwork as they celebrate that goal. They don't care. They are sweaty, smelly, and tired. They care about affirming their effort and collaboration through a passionate celebration.
I hope friendship can be like this one day. I hope men like me can express the healthy passion building up in us. I hope men like men can be accepted as normal men just wanting to connect with our fellow brothers in a deeper way than what the world understands.
Society allows passion to be expressed daily through art, cooking, sports, and, most importantly, romantic relationships, especially sexuality.
In my experience, the Church only allows passion through sex, marriage, dating relationships, etc.
Can the Church start encouraging friends to show their passionate love for each other?
Can it teach passionate love of friendship is deep, meaningful, covenantal, and eternal?
Men like me, who have to separate our sinful passions and godly passion for friends, need an outlet for this divine passion we have. We were made to love and be loved. We are being re-created to love others the way Jesus loves the Church.
We need to be told yes about our passion rather than be put in a box and stored up for the coming of Christ.
If we can't express our passionate love for our friends, we will be trapped and indirectly told our love, our being, our lives, and our existence doesn't matter.
The gay community says you can express that love in a romantic relationship. You can get married, have passionate sex together, and tell each other how much you love each other.
But I know that is a sinful passion it teaches.
But I guess the next question is, Does the Church even want people like me to express this godly passion for friendship?
Would the Church even accept it?
We know sex is passionate love at its best. Two straight people come together with their bodies and passionately make each other feel good as they touch each other and experience an orgasm together. Will it only allow passion to happen through marriage?
There must be more ways of experiencing passionate love beyond an orgasm, though.
I have seen enough porn and sex scenes in movies to see how most humans express their passionate love, but I rarely see friends say passionate love for each other.
Can I kiss my friends (on the cheek or forehead) and tell them how much I love them and long to be connected to them?
Can I give them five-minute hugs, feel their heartbeat, and tell them how important they are to me?
Can I write them letters and call them Beloved, as the Apostle Paul did to his friends?
Can my heart beat heavily at the thought of making them enjoy life by serving them in any capacity I can?
Can I jump for joy at the thought of hanging out with them, going on adventurous trips, and telling everyone how much fun we had together?
Can I brag about my friendships and tell everyone how great they are?
Can I teach them the joy and hope of the Gospel of Christ through spending extended time with them reading scriptures, and encouraging them?
Can I make them dinner and plan extravagant events for their birthdays, achievements, and job promotions?
Can I mourn with them in sackcloth and ashes and spend a week with them silently as they ask, "Why the fuck am I going through this?"
Can I show my friends passion?
Can the Church allow this type of passion?
Can the Church teach me how to love my friends with passion?