Transparency and Teamwork: To my Christian brothers, let's talk about our sexual abuse

"But if you are a poor creature--poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels--saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual perversion--nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends--do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day, He will fling it on the scrap heap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all - not least yourself." ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

"Hey buddy, can I share something with you?"

"Sure, man, go for it! I'm here."

"When I was younger, my older brother made me give him a blowjob."

"When I was younger, an older Christian member of my church molested me."

"When I was younger, my Father abused me and raped me. He would hit me a lot."

"When I was younger, my older brother and his boyfriend made me do sexual things with them."

"When I was a kid, my youth pastor made us get naked together."

"When I was young, there was this older man I became close with, and one thing led to another, and we would have anal sex together. He would do that to me. (What would he do exactly?) He would....um.....he would...(You don't have to tell me) He would shove his penis in me. (Dang, man, did that hurt?) ......um yeah, man. Eventually, I started to like it though.

"When I was a teenager, my mentor asked me to masturbate with him."

"When I was 16, an older Church friend asked me to jack him off and asked if he could jack me off."

"When I was 14, this older dude would suck my dick."

"When I was 14, I would go to my friend's house, and his older brother would make me suck his dick."

"When I was younger, one of my friends would sort of make us get naked together and touch each other."

"When I was 9, I went on my dad's computer and I saw porn on it."

"When I was 10, I saw porn for the first time at a friend's house."

"When I was 11, I saw porn on my dad's computer."

"When I was 12, I was online, and a porn site came on, and I saw a naked woman for the first time."

"When I was 13, I saw porn on my dad's computer. It's like he had it saved. I started watching porn that had to do with men being really violent towards women."

I usually responded to my brothers who had gone through like this,

"I'm sorry, man. That is rough. Have you told anyone? (90% of the time they say no) How do you feel about that?

"I don't feel like a man."

"I feel confused."

"I don't feel like a man."

"I feel bad because I liked it."

"I don't feel like a man."

I feel bad because I knew my friend's brother would keep doing that to me, but I liked it."

"I don't feel like a man."

"I feel like my life was taken away from me."

"I don't feel like a man."

"I feel like my innocence was taken away from me."

"I don't feel like a man."

"I forgive him, but I don't understand why he did that to me."

"I feel really embarrassed."

"I'm confused. I don't know if I like guys or not. Some people think I'm gay."

"I feel like I am weak."

"I don't feel like a man."

"I feel like I am gay, but I am attracted to women, but I want to hook up with men."

"My parents found out I looked at porn, and they got super mad at me."

"I don't feel like a man."

"I don't feel like a man."

"I don't feel like a man."

"I don't feel like a man."

Hey! I see you! I hear you! You are not gay, you are not weak, this wasn't your choice. It isn't fair this was put on you. You were a kid, of course, you will like the pleasure. Of course, you felt confused, alone, ashamed, and scared. 

I am sorry you went through that. I am sorry your parents didn't know how to handle this. I am sorry you have been in darkness for almost your whole life.

I am sorry this affects your marriage, girlfriend, and opportunity to have deep male friendships. 

I am sorry this has made you addicted to porn.

I am sorry this is making you watch gay porn.

Your penis and their penis, the body part that is the key to maleness and unity in the male brotherhood, is now a symbol of darkness, loneliness, pride, and isolation. 

But my dude, you are still alive. You are not going to drown in this. I am here, man. Jesus the King is here and sees what you have gone through. He was abused and exposed in a way that his body shouldn't have been, yet the Father made that into an event that brings Justice for the situations we have been in. 

I hope you can trust God.

Trust the Church.

I hope you can trust me.

And for the record, you are a man. 

To my Christian family, especially men, we have gone through sexual abuse. 80% of my male friends have gone through sexual abuse. Some stats say 1 out of 6 men have gone through sexual abuse. As I started this site, I have heard countless stories of men going through horrible sexual abuse as a kid. I have heard pastors tell me stories of their students being abused by fathers, uncles, cousins, church members, etc.

Sexual abuse is as common as stealing, lying, affairs, etc.

We are a broken humanity. We need to talk about this brokenness and not hide it. We must walk into the locker room together, be vulnerable, be one, and trust each other again. Defend each other. Be loyal.

Since most of my friends know I struggle with homosexuality, most of them have told me their deep, darkest secrets because, apparently, I have one of the worst sins to deal with, so I can understand their shame, secrets, pain, darkness, and addictions. 

I understand embarrassment. 

What saddens me is seeing them try to deal with their secrets in ways that do not show God's redeeming work in their life. Instead, we hid our secrets with hookups, girlfriends, marriage, ministry, and pride. We think we can just move on and forgive. We don't want to feel the feelings of weakness, betrayal, darkness.

We never deal with the pain that someone used our body the wrong way.

We never deal with the shame that there was a penis put in our mouth.

We never deal with the guilt that there was a penis shoved in our bottom.

We never deal with the confusion of liking an older male touching us when we were not supposed to be touched a certain way. 

We don't know how to stop looking at porn when we never chose it in the beginning. It just popped up on our parent's computer when we were a kid. Now, we can't stop or want to stop, and if we are married, we are afraid to tell our wife or girlfriend because they will make this issue about them and not our brokenness and sin.

Men, we are hurting, and we are staying silent about it.

We are not a team. We are not being transparent with each other. 

We are avoiding sitting down together, holding each other and saying,

"I need help, I was fucked as a kid." (because fucked is the best word to describe this experience)

We would instead pursue intimacy with a woman and avoid the awkwardness of being loved by fellow men, brothers, and friends who will hear us say,

"When I was a kid, I gave another man a blowjob."

"When I was a kid, some man put his penis in me."

Men, I see you are afraid and confused about how to connect back with the team you belong to. You don't know how to communicate with men because you are ashamed of what happened to you and what you did. You feel like this takes away your man card. Your penis is weak. Your manhood is fragile. Your masculinity can't fulfill its purpose because it was taken from you. Your dignity was taken away. Your strength. You feel like it was your fault.

When someone makes a gay joke, you feel the weight of it because you feel something gay happened to you. Your body was used the wrong way. You had no control over the situation.

 Now you hook up with girls to feel like you are in control when, really, you are still out of control, and that little kid in you is begging for someone to come and defend you. To back you up. Protect you.

I feel sad about that. I hope you can mourn that properly and righteously

WITH OTHER Christian MEN.

I hope you can come back to the club, the crew, the team, the locker room

and say,

"Guys, I was taken advantage of when I needed someone there to help me."

"I was used by another man. "

"He made me give him a blowjob."

"He made me get naked with him."

"It feels like he destroyed my masculinity."

"I wish I didn't look at porn when I was a kid."

"I wish my parents knew I didn't know what I was doing."

"What the fuck happened to me?"

"Can someone please just hold my hand and walk with me for a little?"

These questions are the questions ruling our hearts.

They control us. They make us prideful and stubborn. They cause us to shrink and hide. They cause us to only find intimacy in a woman. But really, what you are looking for is a mother, but your wife or girlfriend isn't your mom. She is a helper. But we know deep down we need more than a helper. 

We need a brother, a friend,

another man to look you in the eyes as you confess your heaviness, and he responds with

"Hey man, I'm hearing what happened to you."

"This is really shitty."

"But my dude,"

 "You are a man."

"You are a man with me."

"I am a man with you."

"Let's walk together through your pain and anger."

"You can cry in my arms if you need to."

"I will touch you the proper brotherly way men are supposed to touch each other."

"I will be naked with you the proper way men are supposed to be naked with each other."

"I will not use you or take advantage of your masculinity."

"You are my brother, you are a man, and it takes a man to talk about this shit."

So, to my Christian brothers, let's be honest with each other now. Let's trust each other and cry together over the sexual abuse that is occurring in our lives and in the lives of little boys, young teenagers, and even men who get sexually assaulted.

We say we live in a messed up, sinful world,

Let's start talking about that with each other and grow from that.

If you are a man who has been sexually abused, please email me. Contact me. I want to hear you, but let me warn you: I will challenge you to grow from that experience. Sometimes, to grow from that experience, we also need to report that experience to the authorities. So I will challenge you with that if you contact me.

 Our identity as men isn't wrapped around what happened to us. 

It's wrapped around you being a man because God calls you that. 

And don't let this control your life. Don't let it cause you to pursue marriage or romance to hide your pain. Don't let it cause you to use your wife or girlfriend just so you can feel like a man.

You are stronger than that. 

You are my brother.

You are my dude.

You can cry, be angry, be sad, mourn

and still be a man.

Join the team of men. Be vulnerable with your friends, your pastors, and mentors. Trust that there are good men in your life who will care for you and respect you and your body the way it is supposed to be respected.

You have a penis. They have a penis. That is a great thing! Let's celebrate that.

You are a man, and you belong to the world of manhood.

Let yourself be loved by men. I know you have always longed for that. 

Why not let yourself have that now?

May you finally have the chance to hear another man tell you the most simple and profound words you have longed to hear,

"Hey dude, I'm here for you. I'll walk with you. Don't be embarrassed.

You are a man."

Tagged: transparency, teamwork

Pastors, It is time to start talking about Blood Brothers in the Church.

The Church will fail at meeting the needs of Christians who struggle with homosexuality if it doesn't value friendship the way it loves marriage.

During the past 20 years, Christians felt they were in a war for marriage. They thought they needed to protect it. The Church used energy to defend its idea of marriage politically. It didn't save any energy for meeting the needs of these particular Christians. This indirectly excluded Christians who struggled with homosexuality because the Church didn't focus on meeting the needs of those members.

When the U.S. Supreme Court was listening to the arguments concerning Prop 8, both sides arguing their case referred to marriage as an ancient historical institution created by humans to reproduce and start a family and where love can be experienced. This human connection has been in existence since the beginning of human history.

The Church also keeps this human interaction called marriage in place and believes that God created this human relationship. The Church has created multiple theologies concerning this topic.

The bond of Blood Brothers is a significant human connection within American society and the Christian Church, which has unfortunately been overlooked throughout human civilization.

As a Christian who struggles with homosexuality (I think the more accurate description is struggling with my masculinity), I look to the Christian Church and the scriptures for guidance concerning my life. As I have studied to understand a Christian ethic of sexuality, I realized my Christian evangelical community's theology of sexuality is more influenced by Disney eros and Western American eros rather than Biblical Christian tradition eros.

At the same time I was studying about this eros love, I ran into another love, one called Phila love, a love that seems to be lost in the Church. A love I think can solve the issues of Christians who struggle with homosexuality. This is called Brotherly love. And this brotherly love has been known throughout human history as a

Blood Brother.

And the Church starts with this love.

It started with Abraham and God making a blood Covenant as friends. (James 2:23)

And it was reaffirmed when Jesus made a Blood Covenant with humans(all the New Testament)

Blood Brothers can be the most significant expression of male friendship.

It has been celebrated and praised in myths, art, legends, and ancient stories throughout human civilization. It is still practiced in remote areas worldwide for thousands of years, just like marriage.

(look up the book called Blood Brothers by Jack Donovan. It is a book with 100 stories of rituals and cultures celebrating blood brothership. Look at the author's multiple sources. It is incredible. Also, google it and do some research)

"The desire to create blood-brotherhood seems to be a natural outgrowth of male friendship, an acknowledgment of the simple fact that men often develop bonds with men outside their biological family just as they do with their kin.

It answers, "Why should we, too, not be brothers?"

Blood-brotherhood extends the biological family; it creates a meta-family- a family beyond family. It borrows from the emotional range natural to brotherhood-Loyalty, camaraderie, mutually understood trust, and a sense of mutual empathy and attachment based on shared history, experiences, and interest." - Blood Brothers, Jack Donovan.

We see these male friendships at times exist within our own lives. I know a couple of male friends who celebrate this kind of connection. Since our society and Christian churches no longer know how to celebrate these certain relationships, we have words for these friendships that help us deal with the awkwardness. We call it bromance.

Historically, the Church celebrated it and even had a ceremony in which the two males would take communion together and make a covenant with each other for life.

Wesley Hill talks about these covenants in his book called Spiritual Friendship.

The love between friendships is excellent! God created them. They can be better and more intimate than marriages. The Church was so concerned with fighting for the value of marriage and it forgot to fight for the value of friendship.

The concept of a blood brother is remarkable. If you had a blood brother, anything they had was yours, and anything you had was theirs. You would defend each other's honor, family, and resources. You would celebrate with a ceremony involving both of your blood (similar to what God did with Abraham and what Jesus did with the Church) in front of a group of witnesses. It was a covenant for life! You knew you could count on this person for anything.

Christians who struggle with homosexuality have difficulty being in Church communities because we don't know if people are committed to us for life. Church leaders like to say trust in God for their needs because it takes the burden off them to sacrifice their idea of family.

Suppose Christian churches incorporated an ancient historical Christian idea of covenants between same-sex people, like they incorporate covenants of people of the opposite sex. In that case, our concept of Church community will be way more intimate and committed, an environment that will bless and meet the needs of many more humans who need to experience love and commitment.

The gay marriage debate was about people of the same sex fighting for the idea that they want someone to commit to them for life and meet their needs. Besides sexuality, I see gay-affirming humans asking the question that blood brothers answered, "Can someone be committed to me for life?" "Can others celebrate with me this covenant I am making with someone of the same sex as me?"

The answer to these questions is yes!

Let's make blood brothers in the Church!

God did it with Abraham, and Jesus did it with his Church.

Why can't we?

This is basically what those that struggle with homosexuality are asking for,

"Can someone make a covenant with me?"

"I promise to be there for you, defend your honor, protect your family, give you what is mine?"

"Can you do the same?"

"Would you want to do this?"

"Would you want to be my blood brother?"

Pastors and Church leaders, the burden is on you to transform our Churches and create a more intimate and committed community of friendship and marriage.

If you can create, encourage, and celebrate an old idea called marriage to meet the needs of those who are heterosexual in the Church.

Then you can create, encourage, and celebrate an old idea called Blood Brother to meet the needs of single, lonely, and longing for deep intimate friendship. You can still be married and do this, too, by the way.

Pastors and Church Leaders talk about Blood Brothers. Let's do it.

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Christians who struggle with Homosexuality need TOUCH and the CHURCH can offer that.

After we returned from lunch, we went to my friend's room to take a communal nap as we watched an episode of the office. It was something we did as a tradition on a Sunday. As I lay on his couch and he was on his twin-size bunk bed, he said, "Richard, come on up!" "Are you serious!" I replied. "Yea," he said. I jumped to his bed, and we positioned ourselves to get comfortable.

Then we started DOING IT!

We were cuddling.

Think about this, my friend, who is not attracted to men, who had a girlfriend, was cuddling with me, someone who was attracted to men. I was attracted to him, and he knew I was.

And we napped together.

Now I wonder how many of you already feel uncomfortable with this story.

Is it because it is "GAY?"

Or is it because it is not what is culturally normal?

Do you feel like I sinned? Was God angry about this?

A couple of months before that joyful nap, some friends and I went camping, it got freezing, and all of us (8 of us) crammed into a four-person tent. My friend and I slept by each other, and we spooned throughout the night. One time I lifted my head, and I saw another friend lying on top of another friend's chest, and I laughed, and my friend responded, "There is no other way Richard." It was hilarious.

When we returned from that trip, I told my friend it felt nice to sleep with someone and be that close to someone I emotionally feel close to. He said he understood and that he enjoyed it too. And that is when I asked him, "Can we do that again sometime? Like cuddle or something?"

Humans need touch. As babies, we need it! If we don't get cuddled and held as babies, we stop growing and can even die. If we don't receive touch as a child, it can have long-lasting effects as an adult. As adults, if we don't experience touch, we don't share releases of oxytocin that tell us we are being cared for and loved. Research suggests sports teams can win more games if they touch each other. It can calm cardiovascular stress and helps us have compassion for other humans.

Hugs can help us strengthen the immune system. Hugs stimulate the thymus gland, which regulates and balances the body's white blood cells, keeping us healthy and fighting disease. (I got all this touch research from Psychology Today)

Physiologically we need TOUCH!

As Christians, we need TOUCH!

And as Jesus commands his followers to meet the needs of the World, that includes TOUCH!

GAY PEOPLE NEED TOUCH!

CHRISTIANS NEED TO TOUCH GAY PEOPLE! It is not an option.

I believe the reason a lot of Christians who struggle with homosexuality turn to the gay community is because they are longing for intimate experiences of touch (cuddling, putting their head on someone's shoulder as they watch a movie, sleeping in the same bed, and long hugs). However, they are not getting that from the Church.

Go to a gay bar, and you see everyone touching each other with hugs, kisses, and pats on the butt, and all of this is done in a non-sexual way. They dance together and have a good time, filling their touch need. And since they are having a good time, laughing and dancing, why not hook up with the guy or girl that wants to give more touch? Why deny something you are longing for? You will not get it from the Church. Why not get it from other humans that will touch you?

Go to a Church, and the only people you see continually touching each other are married folks or couples dating.

So if you are someone who longs for same-sex touch and you need it, and long for it, and not getting it causes pain, why not get it from a community that offers it, right?

Whenever my friends touch me, it is so enjoyable. I feel so loved. Recently, there has been a shift in touch within the young crowd of America.

There was a study done in the 1960s by Dasher Keltner, a Psychologist. He went to study friends at coffee shops, and in America, the two friends touched each other twice. In Britain, they touched each other zero times. In France, the number shot up to 110 times per hour. In Puerto Rico, friends touched each other 180 times.

I'm sure there are many reasons why we shouldn't be touching everyone. However, when it comes to our friends, especially fellow brothers and sisters, we need to embrace each other more than the norm physically. We are losing out because we are holding back.

Women tend to be more comfortable touching each other and kissing each other. For men, something interesting occurred in the 60s and 70s. Historians have written about a time when men used to be more comfortable with touch. However, when the sexual revolution took place, men backed away. They didn't want to be identified as gay. So they stopped touching each other. Recently, with the acceptance of homosexuality, men have been able to show more bromance with each other and physically have been more open to touch.

But in the CHURCH, we are still far from that.

Let's bring back touch in our lives!

Let's share beds!

 Let's hug longer!

Let's be open to physical closeness, even if it might feel awkward for a while.

You don't need to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend to get a long-lasting intimate touch.

If you know anyone who struggles with homosexuality, ask them how much they want touch, they might feel awkward about that, but I bet you 1000 bucks they want touch from friends.

Back to the beginning of my story, my friend let me share the same bed and cuddle with him a couple more times. It was so warm and comforting. To be so close to someone you love and know loves you. There is no sex, and there is no sexual tension. It is simply a form of love being given to another human in need of healthy touch. I felt extremely loved by my friend. Don't we all want to feel nice and warm next to someone? Why does it have to be a spouse? One time he reached around me and told me that he loved me and to have a good night.

Isn't this what we are all fighting about? What can love look like? The Jesus kind of love?

Not everyone is ready to help people in profound, uncomfortable healthy, Godly ways. However, they can do it, and it will take time. One time I asked, and he said no. And I was okay with him saying no because I already knew he was trying to love me and meet the deep physical needs in my life.

But we have to ask each other for touch.

It is scary but worth it.

We will hear yes and no.

I have been fortunate to have friends who let me sleep on their bed with them and have some pillow talk before we go to bed, embracing each other. It is pretty nice.

I wonder how many men and women go to sleep asking God if they can have someone next to them to ask them about their day, embrace physical friendship and say good night?

As a human, I would love that.

Hopefully, the Church can offer that.

If the gay community can, I don't understand why the Church can't

The Church is more loving than the World

It is God's HANDS and FEET.

A response to my Christian brother Matt Moore’s idea, “Let’s talk about Homosexual sin being worse than heterosexual sin.”

In 2015 I started writing about my journey with same sex attraction and same sex lust. I was trying to inform Christians about this topic in Orange County CA, since that is where I live. I’ve met and heard stories by so many christians in my local area who suffered at the hands of local church leaders who really don’t know how to PRACTICALLY meet the needs of christian men and women who deal with same sex lust. My experience was quite unique since I had many good straight guy friends who loved me and met the deep needs I have as a christian who deals with this. So I thought I would start sharing my experiences with straight Christians in order to help them meet the needs of christians like me going through this redemptive process. 

So I offered the idea of what I call, The 4T’S and The Church. Touch, Time, Transparency, and Teamwork. 4 ways males who are attracted to the same sex can experience intimacy with their male brothers within the church. 

Since writing and creating podcasts with my straight friends, I’ve been introduced to so many more christians who deal with same sex lust and same sex attaction in person and online. 

Matt Moore being one of them.

I relate more with Matt Moore vs some of the other online writers about this topic so I follow him, read, and listen to a lot of what he says. His words matter to me. I believe his work is extremely valuable. 

But he has done something that most evangelical church leaders do that I still don’t quite understand.  

For the last 30 years or so, humans who deal with same sex attaction, same sex lust, take on a gay idenitity, enter into gay relationships, use whatever langauge they use to describe their journey with this, these particular humans have always been shamed, rejected, ignored, looked on with disgust, by the church because of their non-choice of being attracted to the same sex. 

None of us chose these “unnatural abomination” same sex lust desires, and yes we do chose to have sex with the same sex if we do that. 

A couple of years ago as I was having more hope the evangelical church was getting closer to pastorally caring for those that deal with this, the Nashville Statement dropped. 

I hated it. Until this day I wish it didn’t exist. 

Although I agree with majority of the truth they wrote, 

It was the biggest missed opportunity for these influential pastors and church leaders to finally, FINALLY, come together and talk about how to pastorally care for and PRACTICALLY meet the needs of christians that deal with this, instead, they wrote another truth statement.

Another Truth Statement

Another Truth Statement 

Another Truth Statement. 

And

Another Truth Statement. 

Why is it that the only thing the Church can produce for or about a christian like me are statements of truths? 

But the more I see Christians like me stand up and say “Hey Bride of Christ, I belong to you, as much as you wish you can get rid of me, I belong in the Bride of Christ.” 

In response, the Church creates studies about us, compares our sin to straight people's sin, and pushes us towards marriage because they don’t know how to deal with the deep same sex intimacy needs we have towards the Church.

At the end of the day, the local evangelical church community still doesn't know what to do with us.

And when some influential leaders like Matt Moore talk or write something as this,

“Is same-sex sin worse than other sexual sins? Well, that depends on what you mean by worse.”

I mean, what's the point of this?

To keep the church in an everlasting state of dialogues about Christians like me? 

To keep Christians not knowing how to practically live day to day with Christians like me? 

To keep Christians thinking about my sin being worse than their own sins? 

I mean, I wonder if Screwtape is at work here,

My Dear Wormwood, 

Keep Christians in thought and theological arguments instead of pastoral care. Then, christians who deal with same sex lust will leave the church and join our ranks of rebellion against the Creator.  Keep pastoral care away from Christians that deal with same sex attraction and lust and keep repetitive theological arguments and statements of truth the focus of the Christian practice of meeting the needs of those in need.”  Screwtape

To Matt,

I simply don’t care for the topic of my same sex lust being worse than my straight friends’ sin. 

Come on Matt, this is really not needed.

You bring up homosexaulity being a worse sin because it straight up goes against God’s design for human sexuality. Exchanging the truth of God for a lie.  Homosexual sin opposes both natural design and the image of God.  

Should this apply to contraceptives?  Should we study evangelical sexuality and its shallow acceptance of birth control?  I mean, imagine that? We question the sexuality of straight evangelicals who use birth control.  We would be devastating their sexual life. 

I’m writing this Matt because I know you are connected to many influential Christian evangelical writers, thinkers, influencers, and have a following.  Now, maybe I’m missing the mark and I have no clue why you wrote this.  Maybe those are conversations that keep coming up in your circles of Christian family, but overall, I would highly encourage you to understand these type of social media conversations are only going to make straight christians more self righteous in their local churches and see Christians like me as less or even not valuable enough to change the local church culture of being in a church together and including me in their lives because I disrupt their nuclear family. 

Matt, we still have the idol of marriage and family in the Church and it’s still being nicely glorified right now.

Self pity is not my path I want to take. I care for truth and I want truth to transform to something helpful and practical.  As a fellow battler, if same-sex lust is worse in some ways than hetersosexual sin, you writing this will make my desires of same sex lust hard to be understood by other christians, especially by straight christians. 

The Christian church should have a better practical idea of what it means for someone like me to go through grace that regenerates, preserves, and ultimately saves someone like me just like it will save a compulsive liar or a prideful pastor or someone who worships the idol of marriage. 

As Jesus and the Apostles taught, the God who loves me and has adopted me as his child will use the church to remind me of who I am in Christ and how I am not in my fleshly desires. If I am in Christ, I am not the sins that I sometimes do, but if the church just focuses on random thoughts and statements of truth, I will never experience the adoption of the Father, the sacrifice of the King, and the redemptive sanctification of the Spirit.  I would just experience more shame and rejection like so many gay men and women have experienced which is why they left the church with their middle fingers pointed at us and God.  

As I right this, I realize this is not just towards Matt, this is to every church leader who needs to realize we need to go from theological statements to pastoral care now. There have been statements about the sin of someone like me coming out for years, 

Can you start making some pastoral statements on how to PRACTICALLY care for me and other christians like me? 

If you don’t know where to start,

start with the 4T’S and the Church. 

We all need Touch, Time, Transparency, and Teamwork.

Arn’t we all tired of the fluffy random theological talks now about homosexuality? Isn’t it boring? Let’s start meeting the needs for those that deal with this now, that is where the fun is.

Fighting for friendship meets the needs of Christians who deal with Same Sex Lust and Attraction

“I’m not going to make it. I don’t know what else to do. This is impossible. I just long for a long hug. Someone to spend time with. Someone to live life with. What am I supposed to do? All my friends can get a girlfriend, get married, have a family, have sex, and I’m just trying to get rid of my same-sex attraction. I should just get a boyfriend even if that means I’m sinning. That’s all I can do. I give up. God can get rid of me.”

“It seems like your friends are moving on in life. Finding love, finding a family, meanwhile, you are fighting for your soul and you’re doing it alone. “

“Yes! Exactly! I can’t win. It’s like I was born to be in hell. I wish I was a girl because then my guy friends would like me more. I can offer them something. I can offer them sex and everything would be the way God wants it. Then they would want to spend time with me.”

For years this was my attitude and my convos with my therapist. From 20 to 23 I felt doomed. I questioned my existence if couldn’t make God happy. What’s the point of living? There is no way a dedicated Christian who deals with same-sex lust is going to make it. I should just go live a gay lifestyle. I couldn’t get rid of this want in me to have sex with my close guy friends and what was even more painful was that they didn’t want to have sex with me, they wanted to have sex with these girls. All this love and being one was only reserved for marriage. My therapy sessions were filled with this painful, agonizing experience that I didn’t matter. The church has no room for me.

I will always be the second choice.

Then after kids, the third choice.

I saw a life of adventure with my friends, living in apartments together with my friends, having fun vacations, and just having a blast with these guy friends I had ALL fading away as everyone wanted to have sex and get married.

Where was I going to fit in? Was there any room for me in this straight Christian life?

I started losing friends one after the other as I fought for value with hate and anger as my last resort to not drown in pain and go to hell. But I lost it. I became a tornado that destroyed anyone in my path for value.

I hated the Church. I hated marriage. I hated my married friends.

Fuck it all!

And I hated God and wanted to fight him. I wanted to give up, but I felt like I was trapped. God trapped me. I valued truth too much in my life to be okay with changing my theology to gay-affirming.

And most importantly, I valued Friendship too much. I knew I tapped into something that even my friends needed,

friendship.

One year I got a valet job and my whole life changed. I read about 30 books that year, mostly all of C.S. Lewis’ classics, Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul, and books about friendship.

My life and theology were getting reset.

I was reminded forgiveness and asking for forgiveness was so healing to any human that has gone through an extreme amount of pain, hurt, betrayal, and abandonment.

I learned the death of Christ satisfied all Justice I wanted in my life and Jesus died for those that sinned against me. I had to deal with the belief Jesus’ death was more than enough for the justice I wanted.

Then I was reminded, thank God for Catholic theology and how they value the Church, that I mattered!

I was valuable.

I started to understand the context I was in. I was in a world with a bunch of young horny Christians that were trying to not have sex before marriage (God bless their heart for trying) but ended up idolizing dating and marriage. They were also taught to value marriage over friendship by pastors, professors, pop culture Christianity because this was during the time of Prop 8 when all Christians talked about was defending marriage as if it was the end of the world because the gays wanted marriage too. So it indirectly created an environment where shallow marriage theology was abundant and to some extent, the church is suffering now because of that with its widespread divorces.

My therapist was trying to explain to me I had tapped into something that was far beyond what my friends at that time can handle.

That Friendship offers the very intimacy that we Christians long for.

He also challenged me and I can still hear him say it,

“Richard, can you offer compassion to your friends?”

Damn, I didn’t want to. But I knew this was the way of truth and friendship.

I had already come to terms I coudln’t have the type of romantic love life I wanted. And so I had to start embracing the painful loss of a life I wanted as I learned what it meant to follow Christ.

During that year of reading books and understanding Christian truths I really didn’t comprehend in my teens, I was reminded of some very basic principles.

1. God really does love me, he likes me, he wants to be with me.

2. He provided the Church to be His hands and feet in my life.

3. I needed to fight for truth, even if that meant losing friends.

4. Friendship Matters just as much as marriage.

5. I can make it as a Christian that deals with same-sex lust. There is hope for me and there is love for me. I fit in the Church. There is intimacy and belonging for me and my body. And it was going to be all done in Friendship.

I started processing how deep friendship can go with my friends. Some accepted some rejected, some loved it and wanted it for themselves.

I realized I was allowed to have that long hug I longed for. Besides, as I started hanging out with more sporty type guys, I saw how physically affectionate they were allowed to be to each other. Guys needed touch from each other. I needed touch from my guy friends and my guy friends needed touch from me.

I learned I was allowed to ask my guy friends that I needed time from them. As I support them in marriage and other life endeavors, they also need to be there for me. Friendship with healthy boundaries is a give and take and the Church needs to understand that. Time does not only go to marriage, it goes to the others outside of marriage. We can’t love those who don’t know the gospel if we don’t give them the time to experience the gospel flowing from our lives, and yes marriage is a tool for that, but so is friendship. Marriage is not the owner of time.

I then learned Transparency emotionally, spiritually, and physically is very important in a friendship. The body is also important in Friendship. Learning how to talk about our physical issues like we do spiritually and emotionally. My friends, surprisingly, always included me in the locker room with them and even communal showers. They didn’t fear me as they included me in the random skinny dipping, changing rooms, and random funny nude experiences that would occur. I was one of the guys physically with them. I had a penis, they had a penis, we saw each other naked and we accepted each other like that, brothers with male bodies.

And lastly, I was reminded that I needed to belong to a team. I need brothers. Not one person. But a crew. And we all need each other. In the last couple of years, sociologists have been repeatedly saying how much men feel so isolated and have the highest depression and suicide rates in the world. They have no friends. I would argue the Church contributed to that as well.

Touch, time, transparency, teamwork. These 4 words reshaped my life. They gave me hope that I can make it.

They are not easily accepted by all in the church yet. It’s too revealing. Too intimate. It asks for too much trust and vulnerability. It goes against the evangelical culture of marriage being the go-to for intimacy.

Now it’s time to fight. The church is the light and salt for Christians who deal with same-sex lust and attraction. And Friendship in its most vulnerable state has the biggest, strongest, arms for that long hug that offers us a home of relief, acceptance, belonging, and true love that we are hoping for to get us to the continuation of the New Kingdom of Christ.

We don’t have to fight for our souls. God already had a plan set up for Christians like me.

To Friendship, he calls us, and to Friendship, we all must go.

When Christmas meets Game of Thrones, BOOBS, and Homosexuality

“When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.” —Cersei

CHRISTMAS

I’ve been wanting to write a Christmas blog since I started this website and I never did. Each Christmas I would get distracted by the beauty and joy of what this season brings to my life. I love the Christmas lights, the Christmas songs, the Christmas cheer, the mystical feeling in the air of something that changed humanity's future forever. Knowing 2000 years ago, a god became a human. A god became a human baby. Somewhere in the space and time of this universe, this event happened, and it’s in the air, it’s in the cold, it’s in the Christmas tree, it’s in the music, and it’s in the gift-giving and receiving. I’d rather live it than write about it. This is an old ancient human tragedy that is now a story of eternal hope.

But this year was different, I have felt less of that.

More darkness in the air and in my life.

More sadness, loneliness, sin, frustration, apathy, and laziness.

Less hope, less faith, less trust, less love, less of everything.

Less goodness and more evil.

I’ve joined the rest of the couch potatoes that have been binge-watching Netflix, Hulu, the news, tik tok, porn, amazon greed, eating more than usual, and just browsing as much true and false news going around the internet.

About 3 weeks ago I decided to use my binge-watching time more appropriately and pick a show that was actually solid, and I picked Game of Thrones.

And I love it!

There is a discussion to be had if a Christian should watch it for all the boobs that are being shown, who cares about boobs anyways, but it’s a great show and it had me thinking….

What is the game of thrones going on in my heart?

The Christian life is about daily bending the knee to Christ the King.

The Christian life is about daily bending the knee to this god that became a little baby boy.

The Christian life is about daily remembrance I am a part of a story of my creator who is a god becoming a human who becomes a good king over humanity.

This is what Christmas is about, an invasion of the human heart by a god/man.

He took the throne.

GAME OF THRONES

But this past year, and truthfully other years, I’ve still been playing a game of thrones with Jesus.

As much as I know he has already conquered the world and humanity, I have this idea he hasn’t conquered my heart. I still want to be King. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust he is good. I’m mad his kingship doesn’t make sense.

And Honestly, I’m tired of how his Kingship has been. It hasn’t been easy.

Somedays I try to dethrone Jesus, but then I realize, I long for the goodness he brings. I want him back on the throne in my heart. I want his goodness. I want the beauty and joy he offers. I want to be a part of his story.

BOOBS

In Game of Thrones, you see boobs everywhere. Boobs here, boobs there, boobs to go around.

Humanity is flesh and blood. We are broken flesh and blood. Evil flesh and blood.

We are human.

We are real.

We have boobs and penises.

and the crazy thing about humanity is that its creator became a human, it got a penis.

God the Son, became a human.

From the Eternal Land of the Trinity, came God the SON.

As I started publically writing about sexuality and Christianity, I realized Christians still live in the land of Gnosticism.

We still act like the body is bad.

We don’t talk about the body.

We don’t talk about sexuality.

We don’t talk about body image.

We don’t talk about boobs and penises and missionary sex or oral sex or doggy style.

I’ve learned more from my non-christian environments than my Christian environments about sexuality.

I understand Christian culture wants to keep sex sacred since the world hasn’t, but we have gone so far that we act as if any sexual sin is the worse sin that you can act. Or that we are not horny and justify our lustful behavior or just horny behavior in general.

Christians are horny, in marriage and outside of marriage. It happens. It’s real.

There is more shame for having sexual immorality than ignoring the poor on the street or greed.

We barely talk about the goodness of sex or how our sex lives are going.

Many Christian couples have problems with their sex life and are embarrassed to talk about that with their close friends or family.

Many Christians have boring sex lives and need to have a little bit more creativity with it.

Christians have tied so much shame to the body and sex.

This is why I like Game of Thrones showing boobs. They embrace the human body. They show it. It reminds me that sex is part of the human experience. It can be used for evil and good.

Marriage was also used throughout human history, not for romance the way evangelicals have idolized it, but a way to keep peace with other humans.

And God the SON stepped into this world. He became a male, a boy, and had a penis.

Jesus had a PENIS.

When he was crucified, his PENIS wasn’t hidden the way our conservative images of Jesus on the cross show.

The Romans stripped anyone on the cross of their clothes to bring them shame and take away their dignity.

Little did they know, this act of shame and humiliation towards Jesus, the god who became man, was giving back glory to humanity. Was giving humanity the perfect spotless sacrifice it needed to give to God for it’s thousands of years of evil.

God became Man, got a human body, got a penis, and it was good.

So what does that mean about homosexuality?

Homosexuality

Man, where do I start?

Besides the annoying debates within my conservative Chrisitan family on if they should call themselves gay or not, or if they should be in celibate partnerships, or how ex-gay beliefs are like the worse thing that has ever existed,

All this shit just shows that we are broken in need of a Savior to help us out with our same-sex lust.

I remember the day my buddy Christian pointed out to me that I believed in heresy.

It was at a bible study, I was 23, and as we were talking about the body, I stated I just wanted to get out of my body since my body was evil and I wanted to live in Heaven where it was good and leave my body so it can be destroyed because I was tired of struggling with homosexuality.

I will be the perfect spirit.

My friend Christian laughed and said, “Richard, you know that’s considered heresy right?”

I laughed and said, “Really?”

Christian is really smart and I know he knew more than me in regards to Christian truths and traditions.

He explained to me the proper understanding that God is sanctifying my body and I will one day be like Jesus with a transformed body and I will still be flesh and blood. Not some Spirit.

I started to rethink everything.

God becoming man meant the human body was becoming good again.

The human body is good.

And goodness is tied to Beauty.

And Beauty is tied to the human body.

And we can be attracted to the beauty of the human body, male and female, despite what culture says is ideal.

The human body, good and beautiful, male and female, is tied to the story of Jesus leading us into more beauty and goodness and away from lust and evil.

He is taking us into the New Kingdom.

I started to understand males and their beauty and goodness are attractive.

They can be lusted upon since I am still not fully sanctified or glorified like Christ.

I still have some old human ways of being evil, as God the Spirit is making me more like God the Son.

My good looking friends, with their blue eyes, and blonde hair, with their fit body, their penis, their emotions, their spiritual life, can all be lusted upon or be valued as an attractive creation of God.

I can lust or find them attractive.

It’s my pick.

and this is what Christmas is about.

A story of war between lust and beauty. A war between good and evil.

But this story is coming to an end.

The beginning already happened, the fall already happened, the build-up already happened, the Climax already happened,

the rest of the story is just the ending of Jesus being King, and us playing a game of thrones with him.

Winter has come.

Christmas is here.

This ancient but present story of a god becoming man, reminding us boobs and penises are good and we can enjoy the beauty of our same-sex friends and fight against same-sex lust, and bend our knee to Jesus the King, fills this December sky as Christmas lights, people caroling, families watching Home Alone 1 and 2, eating cookies and drinking hot cocoa, giving and receiving gifts, getting a Christmas tree.

Christmas is about a Game of Thrones in our hearts.

Actually, it’s about whether or not we will acknowledge the god becoming a human.

Jesus the baby, who became a King.

Now that I think about it, we can’t play a game of thrones, we have no throne. We either kneel to the good King or don’t.

There is no middle ground.

The God Who Hears our Laments and Gives No Answers

 It was around the middle of February when I first heard of the Corona Virus. I didn’t think anything of it because I didn’t think anyone I knew would get it. My thoughts have changed about that. But I also know if tragedy happened in my family, I would be okay. I sincerely believe I can handle deep heavy pain and loss caused by death, disease, etc, even if it happened to my family and friends. No doubt I would mourn and feel pain, but I would be okay. 

And I definitely wouldn’t “look to God” for answers. 

Why not?

Well, I’ve been looking to God for answers concerning my same-sex attraction for years. 

Since I was 13ish and I realized I wanted an answer from God about “why I like boys.”

He never answered. 

I read the Bible for answers, didn't give me an answer.

Talked to Pastors, they gave me answers that were extremely flawed and filled with heterosexual fallenness and a lack of humility to say, “Richard, I don’t know how to deal with your same-sex- attraction as a Pastor.”

Instead, they gave me theology.

Talked to Biola Professors, they gave me answers filled with a heterosexual interpretation of scriptures that I can tell was leading students to worship marriage and really it seemed they were more afraid of me justifying my same-sex attraction instead of truly wrestling with how to be a Christian and deal with same-sex-attraction. (Sadly, years later, I learned the answer were found in community and friendship, something local churches still can’t grasp).

But again, I was given theology.

So then I went to my friends, and that was a shit show. All of us were fighting for what we wanted and used the Bible to justify our wants and romantic desires, the outcome of local Christian communities idolizing marriage and the nuclear family.

So I want back to God, and again, he was quiet. I couldn’t get an answer from him. 

Deep in my soul, as I cried for mercy and help and saving,

It was quiet. 

The nights when I pursued darkness, it was quiet. 

The nights when I pursued light and truth, it was quiet. 

The nights when I would look at a knife and sit there and dream about going further with it,

 it was quiet. 

The nights when I was driving fast in my car hoping for a car to run a red light and slam into me,

It was quiet.

The nights when I was in my car screaming at the top of my lungs demanding an answer from God, it was quiet. I would look to my passenger seat and pretend the Holy Spirit was sitting there, whatever that means, and ask, “Why are you not saying anything?”

Theologically, I can answer all this pain and trouble in my life, but it wasn’t enough. 

I wanted God to speak to me, and hear my laments. 

But it didn’t seem God even heard them. 

Theologically he heard them, but realistically, I didn’t know if he did. 

And even if he did, it’s worse to know that my Father heard my pain, and stayed quiet. 

Pastoral theology failed me. 

My local Church community (at that time) failed me. Now I had friends that were there and I wouldn’t be alive without them, but they couldn’t save me from my longings for God to give me answers. 

I was too far gone in the land of the Trinity for them to speak for God or be God’s hands and feet in my life. 

I wanted to throw away any systematic theology that told me how God operates because I was tired of hearing all these Christian men that had most of the desires of their hearts, especially sexually, tell me that God heard my pain, that God felt my struggles, that Jesus was tempted, just like me. 

Did Jesus struggle with same-sex attraction in a Christian community that idolized marriage?

Now, I would never compare myself to the life of Jesus, that guy had it rough and he is my savior, but those were my thoughts. If Jesus went through the pain that I did, I needed to hear his response to my life. 

But I heard nothing. 

I came to a point of throwing away systematic theology and I was okay with saying,

“I don’t know.” 

Now, I can never really get rid of systematic theology, but I definitely don’t let it control my experience of reality. I don’t want to be a Christian rationalist who wants a systematic theological response to make me feel all good inside and to make sense of the world. And I don’t want to be a Romanticist looking for a “sigh of relief.”

I've been down both those paths. They failed me miserably. 

So I accepted an idea that requires me to embrace dissonance and I wrestle with this every day.

I’ve embraced my cross. 

And I’m not talking about the cross of Christ that saved humanity from the perils of darkness, satan, and sin. 

I’m talking about my cross that says you will suffer before you can attain the glory of the resurrection that Christ offers. 

And Christians simply don’t want to suffer, especially if there is no answer to their FEELINGS of pain and loss.

As N.T Wright addressed in his article “Christianity offers no answers about the Corona Virus, It’s not supposed to.”

He tackled the Christian Rationalist who need to make sense of everything to feel good about disaster, suffering, and I would argue their cross. I think of a lot of Reformed or conservative evangelicals in my Facebook circle operate like this. Because the world needs to make sense. I know friends who become atheists because their systematic theology failed to satisfy their feelings of loss, pain, and doubt. 

N.T. Wright also tackled the Christian Romantistist who would believe in anything just to get a good fix of feel-good feelings. 

Now it’s been interesting to see responses to N.T. Wright online because they can’t handle a God who doesn’t speak to them during a time of pain, sorrow, and darkness.

Even for my life, during my time of darkness and looking for truth and light, I turned to sin to cope with a God that didn’t talk to me during my pursuit of him. 

I felt like God was never a father to me. Or a GOOD GOOD Father. 

But he was my contender. I wanted to fight him and wrestle with him until I got his blessing the way Jacob did. 

I wanted to take God to court the way Job wanted to take God to court. 

Even though I know I would lose in those situations, I felt like I had no other choice. Life was owning me, I was losing, I was in pain and agony and my Good Good Father was quiet. I needed to take him to court to accuse him of not being a good good father.

I needed to fight God or I would continually die in my misery. 

Now a writer in Mere Orthodoxy addresses the idea that N.T. Wright puts out that God is a God the laments at times. And the Writer responded in the way of a Chrisitan rationalist trying to fallback to David’s emotional descriptions of God and Church history writing out theological statements about God. Although I think the writer missed the point of what N.T. Wright was trying to address which is in my words, “Stop trying to answer everything in the world with Christianity and just love and show kindness in this time.” 

The writer wants to say and I'm paraphrasing, “God is doing something. He is mobile and he cares. He is Sovereign. He is our Rock. A Good Good Father."

"As a humble and kind Lord, in order to convey his divine care, he takes up human language and conceptualities and accommodates himself to our capacity to understand even if they did not apply to him as proper expressions of his divine being."

This sounds nice. It’s great theology, very poetic. 

I just wish I experienced a God like this on this very Saturday. 

Now, maybe I’m just not intune with God. (SO all this I wrote is to some extent for nothing) Maybe God is wrestling with me, or he is in court with me, or he keeps putting a thorn in my side and I’m angry about that. 

God is not a Father to me right now. He is God. My creator I want to wrestle with because I don’t understand him.

Now the writer of Mere Orthodoxy appeals to David’s writings and laments about how God is there for us and he writes something that I love.

"When a child runs hurting to Dad, yes, there is something comforting about sympathy, about Dad saying, “Yes, there, there, I know it hurts. I understand.” But ultimately, you run to Dad because he is not overwhelmed just like you. Because he is a shelter. Because he can hold you when you cry. Because he’s strong enough to absorb the shaking and trembling without trembling himself. Because he can do something about it. And if he doesn’t yet, he’s big enough that you can trust him because he’s wiser than you."

I love this IDEA about God. I just wish I was a Christian rationalist to experience this God.

And I'm not saying God isn't this either. I think he is this to a lot of humans in need of him. It's beautiful to see humans feel God is like that to them. 

But God has never been that God to me. I wish he can tell me about how hard same-sex-attraction is. Tell me how he understands. And of course, he is not overwhelmed, and what I know of, the Father doesn’t deal with same-sex attraction. Everything he wrote in this paragraph is beautiful. And I can’t wait to experience this with the Father. To finally be embraced by him. 

Now, I don’t know what God is going to do in our present-day and I’m okay with that. But I do believe God acts whenever he acts and I don’t have a system of feel-good theology to say when God is acting or that saying he is Sovereign so I can feel good and protected. But I like what the writer said in his article. 

“In other words, yes, God grieves human sin and then he sends a flood and a man with a boat. God is dismayed at Israel’s infidelity and so he exiles them and brings them home. Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus and then he told him to get back up.”

Now as we go back to Pastoral Care for this present time. 

I would not claim to know “what is the heart of the gospel” the way the writer of Mere Orthodoxy does. That’s a scary insight. The appointed Apostle by Jesus, Paul, had to go away in the desert for a couple of years to understand the Good News that Jesus brought to humanity.  

And this to some extent is the Great Debate that N.T Wright has brought to Conservative Evangelicals in America, how did God save us from Darkness, sin, Satan, death, etc? 

N.T. Wright has retold the story of the Gospel in a way that freed me from the God who sits upon high picking and choosing in his Sovereignty who goes to hell, how he is glorified, how I am worthless bloody rags, etc. 

He saved me from a Rationalist theology that brings shame upon those trying to understand what the hell happened and why we are a sinner in a fallen world.

I had to relearn the story of God and humanity. I’ve seen a God that wrestles with humans. A God that bargains with humans. A God that regrets making humans. A God that gives silent treatments to humans for 400 years. A God that calls women dogs. A God that didn’t fulfill a promise for a child for 80 to 90 years and then ask to sacrifice this child. A God that tells prophets to marry prostitutes. A God that kills when lying to an apostle. A God that lets an evil angel kill a righteous person’s family, then lets this angel harm him physically, then lets his human friends say wrong theology about God, then God stays quiet as this human questions God, and then God finally responds talking about how great he is and doesn’t answer the questions.   

This God let an innocent human suffer to save the whole world from darkness. 

We forget to tell these stories about God. God has a crazy side to him. 

But we want God to make sense. 

We want God to be a Rock. 

A system of thought.

A Good Good Father.

Now I don’t believe God is evil. He is good, he is loving, he is likable. 

But come on, this God doesn’t make sense. But he is real. 

And he is quiet. And in all these stories, he is trying to help humanity know shit is going to happen. Get ready for your cross. Get ready to go through sanctification.  

Embrace the pain of death, chaos, destruction, darkness, because it’s now the door to resurrection and glory and paradise. 

Death is the new door frame that separates Chaos and pain from order and rest and pleasure.

I’ve already walked through it. I asked the question, “Why did you forsake me?” 

I didn’t get an answer

I looked up to the dark sky,

It was silent.

No Good Good Father embraced me.

No Rock was found,

But I agreed to it with an, “It is finished.”

“I leave my existence to you.”

And then I was resurrected 

 And this can be your existence. 

It’s not easy, you don’t get the important questions answered. 

But you know the way the story ends, 

With a glorious salvation from darkness and resurrection with a good King.

This is not an easy message to hear if you think Christianity will have all the answers.  

You're going to need systematic theology for that and that's fine.

Some feel-good books to read.

But if you can embrace a story that says you need to embrace chaos, darkness, pain and love God and others through this time, 

Christianity is for you. 

And the story ends with you being resurrected living in Paradise with a good King, Father, and eternal Unity. 

This is the God we can trust with our pain, our confusion, and grief even when he gives no answers, precisely because he told us the story ended with a resurrection from chaos and darkness 2000 years ago. 

The age of looking for answers is over. 

The age of embracing chaos and darkness and loving God and others is now, 

And this is how we can handle not having answers and be resurrected from death, just like Jesus. 

Teamwork: Father, please bring Revoice to Orange County!

Father, please forgive me for my sins. My pride. My hatred. My jealousy. My unhealthy cynical annoyance with your children. I don’t care for your people well.  I am sorry for indulging and liking my sinfulness and bathing in the filth of my sin. I have no want to not want my sin. I want the pleasure of it. The rush of it. I am a sinner in need of your daily mercy, grace, justice, and rebuke. Please sanctify me, even though I really don’t want you to do that.

Please help me and please help your Church.

Father,

Exodus International, Alan Chambers, Mike Haley, Joseph Nicolosi,  Richard A. Cohen, Tim Timmerman, Christopher Yuan, Julie Rodgers, Sam Alberry, Wesley Hill and Henri Nouwen, all the non-Christian gay men I know are people you have used in my life. People who have helped me in my walk as I win and lose everyday fights with indulging in sinful sexual behavior that goes against your beauty and creation.

You have given me a glass half full of wisdom and knowledge at such a young age so I can live to pass the trauma of dealing with same-sex lust and understanding the goodness of same-sex attraction.

Exodus International was my go to as a 16-year-old learning about my same-sex attraction and my same-sex lust.

Learning from Alan Chambers about what you were doing in my life as I am being sanctified by you to become more like your son was a blessing. He was a blessing to thousands as well. 

Mike Haley being the one to open up the door in my life that helped me realize there was a lot more than my own sinfulness that leads to my same-sex attraction and same-sex lust.

Joseph Nicolosi and Richard A. Cohen giving my psychological insight into my trauma as a child.

Tim Timmerman opening up the door to all sorts of ideas of how Friendship can be beautiful and life-giving and redeeming and be a tool for inner healing!

Christopher Yuan meeting with me twice! Relating to my pain and want for your kingdom to be fully here.  Another beautiful person who has helped thousands of your children.

Julie Rodgers when she wasn’t gay affirming reminding me what was important especially through our loneliness.

Sam Alberry being a leader and trying to help The Church remember the importance of Friendship and Celibacy, especially in such a narrow-minded community such as the Gospel Coalition writers.

Wesley Hill and Henri Nouwen helping me process the falling out of my best friend and I (and a community) who met deep deep needs in my life the Church wasn’t ready to meet yet.

Especially the last two people, Thank you for inspiring them to write beautifully about the deep intimate connection of Friendship.

Father, your Church is beautiful. Your Bride is beautiful. You have given me everything I needed to understand what the hell was happening with me and my same-sex attraction and same-sex lust.

You have given me a glass half full. All these Christians have taught me your truth and all these men have told me the same truths using different language and experiences!

But your Bride became divisive with the community of the Nashville Statement and what seemed to be a reaction to that through the community of the Revoice Conference.

I thought the Church was one for a while on this topic (just lacking on the meeting the needs part of Christians that deal with same-sex attraction and lust) until these two crowds formed.

I know you used the Exodus International Conferences to meet the very deep needs of thousands of men and women that just needed to tell someone,

“I'm attracted to the same sex.

You were there. You helped thousands of thousands of Christians.  Men and women came out of sexual addictions and dealt with childhood trauma. Thank you for giving me the chance to meet those children of yours. You used Exodus to save marriages and church relationships.

Exodus was your hands and feet for a time.

But God, there was baggage there. “ex-gay baggage.”  “Wanting to change attraction” baggage. I know it changed its stance towards the end of its ministry, but it's not seen as a good time in this story.

Father, you used the Nashville Statement to help the Church know to some extent, some theological truth.  You apparently brought together all the great modern day evangelical leaders to write a statement of Truth. Father, in my opinion, it was a missed opportunity to help your churches deal with this topic pastorally, which seems more important than making statements that we already have in local churches.

And God, you used a group of men, including some above that I mentioned, to affirm such a sloppy statement of sexuality not addressing the idol of marriage in your church and not to mention, none of them talked about meeting the practical needs of Christians that deal with this.

and now Father, you are making me deal with Revoice. 

I don’t like it, but I know you are there using it.

Using a community to meet the very needs of Christians that feel deep deep pain as they deal with this. I saw your children crying as we worshipped you.

I thought, “Father, why are you not meeting their needs at a local Church and doing it at a Conference?”

I met so many Christians that went to this conference in secret because they are afraid to trust their own local church community with this, such a tragedy. I felt the pain of this burden more than usual this week knowing so many of your children at this conference will be going home hiding and crying waiting to be fully known in a safe church.

As Tim says, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

This conference seemed to be the only time that some Christians actually feel one with the Body of Christ. It’s not something I identify with because I fight so hard to feel one with your Sons’ body through my local church and friends, and sometimes it feels true. But it was a fight not all can handle. Straight men truly don’t think like me, neither do their wives. 

So I get the unity these Christians felt as they ask why is the Church like this.  

“Where are you God?”

We evangelicals stress the local church, and devotion to it, why conferences for Christian community? Why statements for the whole country disregarding city culture and modern terms and language?

Father we all live in different contexts, cultures, denominations, cities with better weather year round than others,

Why do all these WHITE MEN from last year and this year who speak at Revoice get the power to generalize your Church?  Act as if their narrative is the right narrative, they say it's not, but they seem to act like it.

They are not talking about Hispanic Churches, Black Churches.  Their ideas will never fly in my home church in Norwalk, Ca which is all Hispanic. 

“Celibate Partnerships? What the hell?  Do we now need to accept these ideas?  Ideas that have no room in a Los Angeles Hispanic church context or Black Church context. 

Father, “Why was there 600 Christian men and women who are Gay/SSA/ etc. who feel so much pain and grief and trauma and joy the only ones meeting together to affirm your church needs help with this topic?

Father, Where are your pastors? Where are you Gospel Coalition leaders?  Where are your Nashville Statement signers? They should have been there to see the heaviness of this community, yet the beautiful devotion they have to you and your ways.

It is true, something was different worshipping you with these brothers and sisters that "get it." They know the agony I have been through.  The imperfect sacrifice I try to make to you daily.  It felt like the worship I gave to you with MY OTHER BROTHERS at the YOB retreat.

Father, why don’t my own friends want to go to this Conference? They go to marriage retreats, marriage conferences, anniversary trips, why can’t they go and learn about the struggles in my life. Meet and see the hundreds of Christians that deal with homosexuality.  Father, I want them to feel the weight of this burden that will one day give us glory.

Why does their marriage always come first?

All the fuckin time.

Lord, I didn’t want to hear the heavy TRUTHFUL jabs that Revoice speakers said about your Church’s idolization of marriage.  It fed my want for justice. It fed my anger and bitterness. I wanted my friends and YOUR church leaders and Nashville Statement signers to hear these jabs. These statements are truth filled with pain and anger.  I wanted my friends to hear everyone laugh so they can know how ridiculous and caught up they are in their own marriage. They hear me bitch and complain on facebook, but there was power in these jabs at the conference. When we laughed at the idolization of marriage jokes and the loneliness your church puts us in, our laughter was like a beautiful choir of pain and sorrow and strength.

But as I have learned from Dallas Willard’s Renovation of the Heart, “No amount of justice can satisfy my needs in my life.” As an Enneogram 8, that’s rough for me, but I know it’s true for my life.

But how can you gift of marriage become such a demon against your New established Kingdom?

This crowd got me, they understood me, I was no one special dealing with something unique, I was “Normal.”

God, it’s true, YOUR CHURCH idolizes marriage! Everything revolves around their want for marriage and their system of marriage. 

We can’t fit in that system. We are dying here.

Father, I hated the feeling of tribalism I saw when the Revoice Crowd cheered and laughed and mocked at the mentioning of Christopher Yuan and Rosario Butterfield. I didn’t want to be in this tribe.

Christopher Yuan, a man that has helped me soooo much in my life was thrown under the bus. 

A tribe that is supposed to be accepting of all GAY/SSA Christians and labels we want to use accept any EX-GAY label or any Christian that found reparative therapy principles or techniques helpful for them.

DAMN anyone who uses labels of EX-GAY or found reparative therapy helpful! ( I don't find reparative therapy helpful all the time, but it is insightful)

Father, I hated the Tribalism! That speaker apologized, but the crowd showed its heart. Or at least some of the crowd.

This Side B Community.

Father, they are hurting, in pain. They have been hurt, pushed aside, left to die, told they can be straight, abandoned.

We all have been given Washed and waiting (which is a beautiful book) because reading that will solve all our relational and theological needs.

Pastors don’t want to deal with us, elders don’t want to change the systems of the church, congregations don’t want to acknowledge the idol of marriage in their life.

and we are left to defend ourselves.  So we have another Conference, not Exodus, Revoice, what at times seemed to me like a prep rally.

Nashville Statement Signers and Revoice speakers don’t want to accept each other’s ideas about language.

They won’t even meet together. At least not publicly.

Father, these are your leaders.

Please, Replace them if they can’t work together!

Give us leaders that are charitable to each other.  Leaders that will go on retreats with each other and not condemn each other.

Father, Revoice is good for your Church! It’s good for your Church leaders. Your Children. MY brothers and sisters.

I accept it. I accept ideas that are not like mine. I accept the redefining of the word GAY, although I think it is offensive to GAY people who believe attraction and behavior are synonymous.

I accept, I accept, I accept. 

If this is your will! Your will to help your Bride meet the needs of your children that are GAY/SSA/EX-GAY don’t want any attraction to the same sex…..

Bring this Conference to Orange County, CA!!!!!

We need it! WE are ready for this conference. We don’t have much pride in our Denominations here!

Use the NON-DOMS to host this Conference and learn from Nate Collins and his team that has sacrificed and worked hard for this to take place!

Use the Korean Churches to bring loads upon loads of Christians to learn about this topic!

Rebuke the Hispanic and black churches for their hidden Homophobic attitudes here! Call their SHIT out Father! Use Revoice to deal with the toxic ideas of male leadership in our Los Angeles Orange County Culture.

Father, use Orange County to show the rest of your American Evangelical Churches that we can get along and deal with a very important topic.

That we can cross denominational lines and team up with the non-doms and come together.

As Pastors, Elders, Professors, Friends, Family, Therapists, Church members, help us come together and learn from Revoice about how to meet the needs of Christians and non-Christians that are LGBTQ/SSA/EX-GAY, etc.

Because when we can meet their needs, I hope that means we can meet the needs of anyone who is a sexual minority.

Heterosexual crossdressers who hide this deep within their souls.

Men and Woman who deal with pedophilia.

Men and Woman who deal with wanting to be an animal or have sex with an animal.

Father, we are broken! Teach us true grace and acceptance of all sinfulness we have as humans. 

So many of us have been mortality wounded as a child and that causes us to go down such a wicked and evil path away from you and your heaven.

Let the Church know they can do this! They can be your hands and feet!

They can cast down the idol of Marriage.

They can accept the great GIFT of Celibacy!

A gift that frees us up to love and love and love!

Teach a proper view of Celibacy! A historic view of Celibacy.

Not a view that says all Christians who are not married are celibate. Teach singles the need to practice chastity and learn what that means to be in a period of singleness.

Let Celibacy be a calling that is taught in Sunday schools, private Christian schools, statements from parents, “One day if you’re celibate you can love so many of your non-Christians friends, a way that your Father and I can’t do.”

Let Celibacy not be a reaction to a consequence the way Revoice speakers see it.

Let it be an acceptance of a lifestyle of service the way the beginning of the Church saw it.

and Teach your Church that you love when we honor you with our singleness through chastity.

Striaght, Gay, SSA, Widowed, Young, Old, divorced.

and you Love when Married folks practice chastity.

Father, we are a mess, I am a mess.  We need your help. We need you. Revoice is complicated and complex and rebellious and helpful and thought-provoking and needed.

Father, and please bless the 4T’S and the Church, may it be a way in which the church can have some practical steps in meeting the needs of all your Children through Touch, Time, Transparency, and Teamwork.

Especially Teamwork.

Father, please Revoice to your Bride. And help bring Revoice to Orange County so it can help everyone here. We are ready to be involved in your plan.

"Your Kingdom Come, Your will be done"

Not ours.

And help us forgive our enemies and brothers and sisters.

and help us prepare the table for when your son's kingdom is fully here.

Your Christian Brothers that are GAY, SSA, or Struggle with homosexuality and their masculinity.

There is 44 of us singing worship songs to our creator who knows our pains, sorrows, losses, joys, friendships, and our struggle with same-sex lust. We flew from all over the United States, England, and Canada to meet each other, encourage each other, learn from each other, and hear each other’s stories.

This is the second time Your Other Brothers has done a retreat in the green Blue Ridge mountains of North Carolina.

As we participated in ice breakers, there was one particular ice breaker that gave me the feels, the same ice breaker happened last year too.

We stand in a circle and as Tom reads out questions, we are to respond by stepping into the middle of the circle.

As that happens, we can see who answers the question.

Tom reads the first one…….

“Who here is attracted to the same sex?”

All of us walk into the circle and laugh.

All 44 of us.

44 men who deal with same-sex lust, same-sex attraction, masculinity, sexual abuse, and shame.

I looked around and saw different men step in.

White men, black men, Hispanic men, married men, older men, young men. (I wonder how this response would take place in a local church?)

Tom keeps asking…..

“Who here is “out” to their friends and family?”

It was interesting to see about 25 guys step in the circle. As I stepped in the circle, I looked around to see men that didn’t step in. I had this feeling they were carrying a heavy burden. A burden that seems they would be afraid to share with the people in their life that should love on them and walk with them in life.

Can you imagine that? Carrying a very dark deep, and at times, shameful secret because you don’t know if your friends and family will love you if they knew your deep sin? Or having the feeling of heavy shame that you feel because of your sin struggles?

Sort of sucks right?

I walked into the circle because most of my friends and family know about me. But to see other men still stay behind caused me to feel some sadness. To have your friends and family not know is such a heavy story to keep hidden. The very people we need (straight buddies and our family) are the very people we are afraid to go to and be our true fallen selves.

Next question,

“Who here is married?”

About 7 guys out of 44 are married and step in the circle. It was interesting. There was some quietness to this question. A quietness that seemed to be filled with curiosity, questions, wonders. How did these men get into a marriage? Imagine the constant struggles and conversations these men have to deal with in their marriages and families. How did telling your wife you are attracted to the same sex go? How about your children? How is your sex life going?

The list goes on about the complexity of the situation these married men are in.

Tom reads the Next question.

“Who here is single?”

36 men walk into the circle and laugh. No surprise here. Most of us are still trying to accept this fact, that we most likely will be single for the rest of our life.

“Who here is dating?”

1 man walks into the circle and we all start applauding and laughing. Not because it’s a joke, but because we all know the risk, hard conversations, future important conversations, and complexity this man has entered into as he dates a woman being attracted to men.

It was great. He is figuring out if he can fulfill the marriage covenant that God has allowed men to enter into with a woman.

Tom reads the next set of questions, “Who here is in their 20’s?”

About 20 men step in.

“Who here is in their 30’s”

I along with 15 or so other men step in. I was sad about this because I don’t want to get older, but my buddy Matt walks in dancing and celebrating being in his 30’s. It seemed like it's a party to him. I think I felt sad because I'm still fighting for the little good (an idea of a best friend and dorm life) I once had in my early 20's that seems to be fading away and now I enter into a decade of life that I have no clue will bring to me, likely a war of loneliness and a lot of netflix.

“Who here is in their 40’s?’ a handful of men step in.

“Who here is in their 50+?” another group of men step in.

Christian men that are attracted to the same sex come in all different sizes, ages, cultures, etc.

Tom then reads the next question,

“Who here has been affected by a divorce?”

There was some confusion here because some men interpreted that as did they themselves get a divorce in their own marriage which some men said yes to and others heard the question as did their parents get a divorce.

Tom reads the next question,

“Who here has a sports team?”

Some of us walk in and others don’t, but laugh. I look to my left and there was a guy I know, who hasn’t told his mom or dad he deals with same-sex attraction, I ask, “Who is your sports team, he tells me, "Green Bay," I respond, “Cool, mine is Barcelona.”

As others are still laughing at this question because remember, “gay guys or ssa guys generally don’t like sports," someone yells out, “Can USA sports teams count?”

“Who here have tattoos?”

Only two men step in, we chuckle.

Tom then goes over the 5 love languages. When it came to touch, almost all of us walk in laughing and start a big group hug.

One guy yells out,

"Ha, GAAAYYYY." Then he finishes his long hug with some of the guys that he is arm in arm with.

Tom goes on, "Who has grieved loss over the past year."

My heart started to feel something heavy. As men stepped in I started my assumptions. I knew most men had lost friendships and brotherhood (the relationships we long for most in our life), church community, friends that committed suicide because they struggled with homosexuality.

The basketball court we were doing this ice breaker on got quiet at this question because we all knew the grief of our loss of attachments can be a tremendous bag of bricks we carry on our back and in our hands.

Tom reads the next question, a question that haunts me, causes me a bit of anger and bitterness towards God, it causes me to ask God a never-ending question of.....

.... “Why?”

Tom asks, “Who here has asked God to take away their same-sex attraction?

Quietly looking around knowing this question has been a question all of us at one point begged God to take away, but he hasn’t.

Again, GOD HAS NOT TAKEN AWAY OUR SAME-SEX ATTRACTION.

All of us step in.

It is quiet.

We know we are not alone. We all have been there in those nights of agony and chaos. Late nights screaming in our cars, crying on our beds, daydreaming about suicide, sitting in the wilderness crying thinking is this how the rest of our life goes? Does God hate me? Is He trapping me?

"Father?"

“Why haven’t you taken this from me?”

“Why God?”

“How the fuck am I suppose to live like this?”

“Why have you forsaken me?”

“Why do I have to be attracted to the same sex?”

“Why can’t I date someone I want to love that I am attracted to?”

“Father, can you please take this away from me? I’ll read my Bible every day, I’ll pray 3 times a day, I’ll fast every other week. I’ll do anything for you to take this away. I'll be the best Christian there will ever be."

God stays quiet.

We are all brothers. Your brothers. Your husbands, your friends, we are in your small groups. We are attracted to the same sex. We deal with lusting after the same sex. We deal with something we hope the Church can one day understand so we don’t have to fly all over the country in order to gain some relief that people can actually understand our struggles and our needs and our way of loving back.

Our need for same-sex affectionate Touch.

Our need for quality Time.

Our need for transparency from our guy friends.

Our need to be one of the guys that are allowed into the locker room.

Our need for the Church.

We end the night as your other brothers singing worship songs,

We sing to God,

“I will build my life upon your love,

it is a firm foundation

I will put my trust in you alone and I will not be shaken.”

Here is more about Your Other Brothers’ community.

https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/

A response to Brett McCracken's Boy Erased Review

A year and a half ago I heard about a book coming out called Uncomfortable. It was about the importance of the local church community, commitment to a local church, how true community can be uncomfortable but as a Christian, it is needed.

Here is a quote from the book that I really like,

“If the church is going to thrive in the twenty-first century, she needs to be willing to demand more of her members. She needs to assert the importance of covenants over comfort, even if that is a message that will turn off some. She needs to speak prophetically against the perversions of cultural and consumer Christianity, seeker unfriendly as that will be. She needs to call Christians away from an individualistic, “just me and Jesus” faith, challenging them to embrace the costliness of the cross and the challenge of life in a covenantal community.”

I loved it.

As a Christian who struggles with homosexuality, a local church is what I have needed for a while.  I felt like I kept getting burned by friends in certain churches or it was hard for me to feel I can fit in.  Evangelical churches in my area seemed to be built off of what heterosexuals and married couples want in life or what nuclear families needed vs what Christian church has historically been about.

Once I read this book, it gave me hope Christian leaders are pushing us for deeper community.  Brett was speaking at his local church about his book called Uncomfortable, I decided to attend this church service and wanted to attend it as my own church. It is a great church all around and I started going to a small group.

I gave in to my married friends Lindsey and Jeremy, who I live with, who have been telling me to attend their church for the last year or so.  Their church was a church planted by the church Brett attends.

This church teaches from a strong reformed/Calvinist/complementarian/conservative worldview.  I'm a little far from that, but they love Jesus and people and so do I.

It’s a community of churches who care about the gospel and holds it’s elders quite high in regards to leadership. Since I am attending a branch from the Church that Brett is a leader/ influencer in,

his review of Boy Erased scares me a little.  Some of his views can impact me when it comes to being attracted to the same sex and how pastoral care is applied to me.

He missed some very important truths that were in the film as well as his perspective of Christians struggling with homosexuality is not a view I am fond of.  I needed to write a response so others who attend the same local church community I am also a part of can know there is a lot more to discuss when it comes to the topic of Christians who are attracted to the same sex and how to meet their needs.

Bretts opening,

Brett says, “For Jared, there can be no meaningful father-son relationship so long as his dad thinks a gay lifestyle is sinful. “I’m gay, and I’m your son,” he says. “And both of those things are not going to change.”

The father’s fidelity to Scripture’s witness on sexuality, however, is the only variable that can be changed, Jared implies. Change your view, or lose your son. This is the ultimatum implied in the scene—to Jared’s father and to anyone in the audience with LGBTQ loved ones. It’s black or white. Lose your old-fashioned religious view of sexuality, or lose us. It’s your choice. 

I get what Brett is writing here, it isn’t fair for the Christian to walk away from their belief just because it goes against the beliefs of someone else.

But there is quite the complexity going on here.

First off, The movie starts with a scene were this Baptist Pastor is preaching all truth is found in scripture, in the Bible.  I completely disagree here with this baptist theology, which I suspect Brett is quite sympathetic too.

I don’t believe scripture is the final authority on Christian truth, also, in regards to same-sex attraction, the Bible has never helped me deal with this brokenness in my life.

Actually, most of the Christians I know that do struggle with homosexuality have never communicated the Bible has helped them in their struggle with this. In my life, God has used other means to show me his truths, not all God’s truth is found in scripture, but a lot is in there.

First, through reality, a man and a woman fit together sexuality, and Church tradition and great church theologians from the past have written extensively about it.  This is where Church authority comes in. Authority given by Christ and truth lead by the Spirit. 

The writers of scripture have never helped me with understanding same-sex attraction. And I don’t believe the writers of the scripture ever address same-sex monogamous marriage or talk about sexual orientation. But boy do they have a lot of good things to say about friendship and community.

But gay marriage is sinful because it goes against the art of God’s idea for human sexuality and I would argue same-sex friendship.

But within this story, the real problem is this movie picked a region in American, the South, that is known for ultra-conservative religiosity. 

Hollywood picked a region I would argue is a little less educated in regards to were psychology has taken this conversation.  Even for a licensed therapist who practices conversion therapy, this was an extreme example of conversion therapy.

This Baptist pastor/father believes his son is making a choice to be attracted to men.  He gets this view from his view of scripture which I would actually say is not in scripture. 

The writers of scripture never talk about sexual orientation. They don't talk about homosexuality or heterosexuality.  But they do have a lot to say about human connection, emotionally and physically.

Brett isn’t really addressing the more important discussion. 

When Brett says, “This is the ultimatum implied in the scene—to Jared’s father and to anyone in the audience with LGBTQ loved ones. It’s black or white. Lose your old-fashioned religious view of sexuality, or lose us. It’s your choice.”

Well, both are wrong, obviously, the son is wrong, but this pastor/father who believes being attracted to the same sex is a choice is also wrong.

Which is why the pastor/father wants to send his son to THIS certain conversion therapy camp. To help his son make the right choice to not be attracted to men anymore.

Christians need to realize all attractions are tainted by sin with a perversion of bad mixed in with the good. Wanting a spouse the way I have heard many Christians want a spouse has been so unhealthy.  Which is why many young Christians are getting divorced.  They don't understand their unhealthy sinful HETEROSEXUAL lust for a spouse.

The more important discussion, that Brett missed, is how can we have deep healthy same-sex intimacy, which is something that doesn’t need to change in a person. 

I would argue some of this has to do with having the 4T’S in the life of a Christian who struggles with homosexuality. 

Bretts “Valid Critique”

I actually agree with most of Brett's critique but I also want to add something. There are many different forms of reparative therapy or conversion therapy.

Again, Hollywood picked a very uneducated part of Christianity to represent discipleship and healing.  There are many reparative therapy methods I would actually say are very helpful for a Christian that is attracted to the same sex, or any human for that matter.

Although I STRONGLY DISAGREE with the goal of reparative therapy, which is to become attracted to the opposite sex, some of the more professional reparative therapists do some really good work in regards of healing inner childhood wounds, and learning to build more self confidence as a man or woman, which is what I and others have benefited from when we read books from reparative therapists.

I spoke to a group of side b men a couple of years ago about the 4T'S and the Church and took my friend Nate with me, and most of the adult men there found reparative therapy extremely helpful in their pursuit of truth and holiness.

But this movie is talking about uneducated abusive reparative therapy that takes place in the south without any professional psychologist involved. It was horrible. 

Brett’s “Is change possible?”

This is where I think I hope to make the most important point here.

Brett writes, “Imagine being told that your unwanted desires to drink or gamble or envy are “just who you are” and that changing your desires is impossible. To suggest an unchangeable givenness to the matrix of desires that constitutes a supposedly fixed “identity” is a truly novel and unbiblical anthropology. It is a notion fundamentally at odds with a faith defined by resurrection and renewal, where to be in Christ is to be a “new creation” 

What Brett needs to understand is that being sexually attracted to someone of the same sex is not the same as being attracted to drinking, gambling, porn watching, or any other sin that we need to be "renewed from."

Being attracted to the same sex is a complex entanglement of a want for a healthy same-sex intimacy, connection, and belonging vs a want for a sexualized version of intimacy, connection, and belonging. 

There isn’t anything that needs to be changed or renewed, what needs to happen is a Christian needs to learn how to separate his or her healthy feelings for the same sex from the sexualized feelings for the same sex, and this process can be agonizing but really good and sanctifying.  Saying no to what you want and what feels natural is extremely emotionally painful.

Brett, imagine being married to your wife and never having sex with her?

It would suck, right?

That is what we feel at times with our brothers and sisters in the Church.

We long for this deep intimacy and when we get that, sometimes we, without a choice, want more than that.

It's a different struggle brother. 

Most Christians who deal with same-sex attraction still don’t know how to separate these feelings because that has never been the narrative of what it means to deal with same-sex attraction (even using the word attraction is the wrong word for this)

There is a scene when Jared stays the night on the bed with another gay man and they never do anything sexual.  They just sleep together.

I think that is a GREAT Scene.  It shows that not everything gay men or Christians who struggle with homosexuality want is actually sinful. 

I long for those nights when I can just share a bed with a friend and feel close to them.  It isn’t sexual or arousing, and if it was, I hope I can learn how to renew my mind to see the goodness in that type of intimacy and brotherhood. 

We long for affectionate TOUCH, quality TIME, daily TRANSPARENCY (even normalcy like changing in the men's locker and partaking in communal showers without being criticized), and being a part of a life-long TEAM, brotherhood.

So many of the needs that gay men and women have could be found in friendship if the Church offered that type of intimate healthy friendship.

Jared believed being gay was the truth because his only truth was what he naturally wanted, which I would argue is a healthy platonic same-sex intimacy mixed in with sexualized same-sex intimacy, he only saw this as purely sexual, so he accepted a gay identity.

Also, the Church wasn’t there to talk about the complexities of broken sexuality.

The camp would have been amazing for Jared if the camp taught that friends can live lives together.  Share the same beds, have pillow talk, vacation together, give each other affectionate touch, give hugs and kisses, spend time together, make covenants with each other, develop friendship goals, talk about sexual brokenness in a graceful way.

This isn’t gay, its good old Godly friendship. 

Brett says,

“Indeed, the most important “conversion” in the Christian life involves a changed heart posture toward God.”

Actually, it should be written, "Indeed, the most important “conversion” in the Christian life involves a changed heart posture toward God and others. How can I have an honorable heart towards my male friends that I might be attracted to when we live life together, change clothes in front of each other, experience our emotional and physical bonds in friendship with each other, etc?”  

This isn't a direct God related struggle, this is a "God help me love my guy friends the right way."

Brett’s “Truly Erased”

Brett writes,

"If anyone is truly being “erased” today, it is those who fall in the category of pursuing Christian faithfulness despite SSA; those who have chosen the costly path of celibacy or the complex pursuit of heterosexual marriage; those who have embraced the cost of discipleship in choosing Jesus over sexual fulfillment. We need more stories like these, showing how Jesus followers can pursue Christian faithfulness even while living with the challenges and complexities of sexual desires (which are challenging and complex whether you’re attracted to the same sex or not).

Brett, Hollywood has no reason to make movies of Christians that are in these narratives because the Church has erased them and is barely addressing the idol of marriage in the church.  Kevin Deyoung writes a twitter post that Christians idolize family and all hell breaks loose then he has to clarify it with an article. 

We also need to be careful when using the term “heterosexual marriage.”  Heterosexuality is a modern word that does not follow the ancient Hebrew language.  The writers of scripture are never talking about what you are attracted to, but about your actions as a follower of God.  Many Christians have a strong desire to be married and are actually making it synonymous with their pursuit of the Kingdom of God.  It's an idol that is still flourishing in our churches.

Let’s not expect Hollywood to make movies about Side B Christians until the Evangelical church is ready to acknowledge how horrible it is to let an idol like marriage dictate the mission of local churches and its huge lack of pastoral care for side B Christians, look how the Revoice conference was handled.  Some writers of the Gospel Coalition that signed the Nashville Statement has dismissed many of these devout Side B Christians,

the very Christians you are saying there should be movies about.

If Evangelical leaders are going to dismiss many side b Christians, expect the same from Hollywood. 

Brett’s “True Liberation”

Brett Writes, “One of the saddest things about Boy Erased is that Jared is sent away from his church in his time of need. He’s sent to a “specialist” parachurch program to work on his temptations in a context far from his local church family. But church members tempted by greed or pornography or heterosexual lust are not sent away to specialist camps to be “fixed.” Why is Jared? Same-sex-attracted Christians should be discipled within the church family, along with everyone else.”

Brett, the fact that you lumped up a Christian that deals with same-sex attraction in the same categories of other brokenness concerns me and then you use a Sam Alberry quote as if it justifies your idea.

This isn’t a salvation issue Brett.  This is a human flourishing issue.  Humans cannot survive without connection with other humans.  That is why Eve was made for Adam. 

A Christian can live without material possessions, a Christian can live without porn, a Christian can live without heterosexual lust (I hope you mean the idolization of marriage) a Christian can live without a spouse.  A Christian can fast from sex, which I wish was preached over the pulpit.

But a Christian cannot live a Christian life without same-sex intimacy.  The reality is, in local churches,  Christian leaders and Christians don't know how to meet the needs yet of these brothers and sisters who struggle with homosexuality.  This is why there was a "GAY" conference for side B Christians in St. Louis.  You are giving to much credit to local churches right now.  I am happy you have a lot of faith in the local church though to address this.

Brett writes,

“In the upside-down kingdom of God, this is what true liberation looks like. It is the freedom to follow Christ rather than our fickle hearts; the freedom of being caught up in God’s story rather than our own; the freedom of not being slaves to our desires.

God doesn’t promise the removal of same-sex desires, or heterosexual marriage, to those who, like Jared in Boy Erased (at least in the beginning), wish for “change.” God promises himself. To have God, are we willing to say no to our disordered desires?”

Brett, this isn’t about a justification situation which I feel like you bring up by saying, “God promises himself. To have God, are we willing to say no to our disordered desires?”

It is about Christians being PRACTICALLY cared for and getting their needs met by the Church. 

I totally agree that God doesn’t promise the removal of same-sex desires, or that I will be married to a woman, but as God promises himself, he promises another human,

I was never made to be alone with God. This is why Jesus becoming a human is so important, but also, God doesn’t promise himself to ME.

He promises himself to the CHURCH, his bride. 

And the only way I can say no to my sinful ways is if I am allowing the HOLY SPIRIT to let me be loved by the bride of Christ as I fulfill the law of Christ. 

My “disordered desire” which is healthy same-sex intimacy mixed in with lustful same-sex intimacy is not one I need to say no too.

This isn’t black and white. 

God wants me to love HIM and to love OTHERS.

His command to love others just gets a little complicated since it is mixed in with brokenness. 

When the only brokenness that is mentioned in church is always tied to marriage, we are not helping all the men and women who deal with porn daily, cross dressing, hooking up anonymously,

I mean, I can create a list of sexual brokenness that doesn’t get addressed over the pulpit. I can’t wait for the Church to grow a pair (I know the church is a female, but still) and start talking about real life shit. Life is rated R, it’s not PG.

The bible is rated R.

I suspect that we agree with each other more than disagree.  I just I need to speak up about some things you missed that down the road can lead to dangerous pastoral care concerning same-sex attraction that can directly affect me,

even if this makes things a little uncomfortable.

Single Christians and Christians that struggle with homosexuality, our married friends need our help, they keep divorcing.

"Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus." The apostle Paul

When I was at Biola University as an 18-24-year-old student, I did the 6-year track, I hated the dating scene there. It was a scene filled with a strong desire to have sex and be one with another person, but since we are Christian, you had to get married first and it needed to be covered with spiritual language, especially the “God gave us to each other.” Although the majority of my friends crossed that sinful line of sexual immorality, making out until the man's penis couldn’t breathe anymore, so it needed to come out of the pants. Making out in cars and dorm rooms which lead to giving each other handjobs and blowjobs. I heard it all, a majority of my friends did strive for holiness, they just didn’t have any wisdom added to their sexual urges and desires, and they either had sex or were touching each other’s bodies all over the place, which all started with making out, apparently that is not sinful. I could never really understand straight Christian sexual ethics. And with California Prop 8 being one of the main topics being discussed in churches during that time, evangelical churches couldn’t stop talking about how important it was to defend marriage and keep that word from “The gays.”

Now that the gay marriage topic is over, it left something devastating for our married friends,

a false idea of marriage

and, well,

They keep on divorcing because of it!

I mean, divorce after divorce.

I personally know 9 divorces that occurred that are students from Biola University,

and many of my friends know other evangelicals that have been divorced.

Why is this happening?

I know stats keep changing about Christian divorces, so let's just say an obvious problem,

Too many Christians are getting divorced, or are having marriages that are really unhealthy, and even worse!

I mean one of the worse things happening to Christian marriages is that they are becoming idolized relationships!

I understand that the sexual revolution brought total sexual freedom to Americans,

I understand that the church reacted to that by keeping traditional and holy standards of marriage,

I understand that the gay marriage era caused the Church to become obsessed with the topic of marriage,

I understand the result of this “trying to protect marriage” caused the church to idolize it and also form really bad theologies about marriage,

especially the false idea that marriage is the most important relationship and most intimate relationship.

But now I don’t understand why we are allowing so many divorces to happen!

And so, since this falls under the leadership of Pastoral care and I don’t think Pastors are properly addressing the idolization of the nuclear family and marriage,

This responsibility lands on the next leaders of Godly Holy Sexuality,

The Christians that are single and the Christians that struggle with homosexuality.

It’s our time to invade the private lives of our married brothers and sisters and start helping them out.

The moment you hear them start saying that Marriage is only between a man and a woman,

call that shit out!

New Covenant Marriage is between communities and friendships coming together to ordain a man and a woman entering into a covenant to help the Church out!

Their marriage is our marriage too! Unless we divorced them in our friendship. We stopped loving them the way Christ loved the Church.

Don’t let them get away with the idea that it's about “their love.” They will divorce over that idea.

They will realize that “compatibility” changes during seasons of life. They will realize they don’t feel “truly loved.” They will realize “their spouse will never truly know them.” They will realize that “sex isn’t the greatest.” They will realize that their “spouse can’t meet all their needs” and even deep needs they have. They will realize at times they don’t want to be married anymore, or they don’t want to be around their spouse all the time.

They will realize Marriage might have been a mistake for them, but a mistake the God uses to make them more like Christ.

And we are a part of this learning.

We need to stop letting our friends move away during their early years of marriage because stats are showing those are the most important years they need Church community, friends, and family investing in them.

We need to invite them into our hearts and tell them we need them and they need us.

Ask them questions. Lots of questions.

Ask them more questions.

Ask them personal questions.

Ask them about their sex life.

Sometimes their sex life isn’t as great as the Pastor keeps saying it is or how the Bible Professor keeps teaching it is.

Sometimes Christians can’t really have sex.

Sometimes they are having too much sex and it becomes an idol.

Sometimes friends who are husbands are just getting off and not pleasing his wife.

Are they giving as much as receiving?

Do they have insecurities they need to work on?

Are they treating their spouse nicely?

Are they being servants to each other?

Their marriage is our marriage too! Unless we divorced them in our friendship. We stopped loving them the way Christ loved the Church.

Ask them if they need you to move in with them.

Ask them if they can move in with you.

Ask them are they talking to their pastors?

Tell the pastors the couple he married may need help. The pastor is responsible too!

Ask them how are they balancing living for the Kingdom and serving each other.

Ask them about how they spend their time.

Are they communicating well with each other?

Are they praying together and making God the center of their relationship?

Are they getting healthy space away from each other and depending on their best friendships they have?

Are they being to busy for each other? Are they creating good quality time for each other?

Are they letting friends meet their needs too?

Is the husband dealing with porn or lust problems and addressing them?

Is the wife dealing with porn or lust problems and addressing them?

Are they being hospitable and meeting the needs of others?

Do they need a babysitter?

Time away from their kids?

Their marriage is our marriage too! Unless we divorced them in our friendship. We stopped loving them the way Christ loved the Church.

Are they opening up their home for Christians like us, single or deal with same-sex attraction and need a home to hang out in and kids to jump on you and tell you, “You have a big nose.”

Are the wives having good conversations with you so they know their husbands have good friendships investing in them?

Are the husbands having good conversations with you so they know their wives have good friendships investing in them?

Are they having game nights? Movie nights? Beer and wine nights?

Are the husbands having guy time and the wives having ladies nights?

Are you planning vacations with them?

Are you calling them out if they are mean to each other in front of you or even at home? (some couples get used to bickering and will do it in front of you, you have every right to tell them to knock that off in front of you, your space is also important)

Are we asking them are you being a good husband or wife?

Are we also showing them grace and patience?

Are we holding them through thick and thin?

Are we going through the bad times and the good times with them?

Are we going through rich and poor times with them?

In sickness and in health?

Are we getting messy with them as life gets messy with them?

Are we encouraging them to adopt and have children?

Are we reminding them their marriage is beyond their own happiness?

I know we have felt pushed aside from our married friends.

I know the Bride of Christ values marriage more than singleness and the gift of celibacy.

I know the Bride of Christ doesn’t always know how to deal with same-sex attraction.

But the lessons we have learned in life not being married is that the world needs our love, attention, time, and sacrifice.

The world also needs families to pursue them! This will indirectly help them with their own selfishness as well as provide them with more human relationships to meet their own human needs.

The church has been preaching prosperity marriage and it’s killing marriages.

Us Christian singles and Christians that struggle with homosexuality need to remind our friends and teach our friends that marriage is about commitment!

We need to show them this commitment too!

We went to their weddings. We celebrated them. We danced with them. We either said nothing to them as they dated or was there when they dated.

Some of us are doing good and the best we can for our married friends.

Others, well, we are too quiet.

We need to speak up! Speak life into these marriages. Speak hope! Feel their pain and frustrations.

They shouldn’t tell their spouse all their sinful ways, no human can hold the weight of another humans sinfulness.

We need a team. Marriages need more than the two people married. Marriages need the team, family, friends, Church community that married them.

This is how Single Christians and Christians that struggle with homosexuality can love the Church.

This is how we can love our Christians friends who are married.

This is how we love Christians the way Christ loved the Church.

Don’t let the idolized, false, Disney marriage narrative that comes from the pulpit be the only teacher of marriage.

We are the hands and feet of God. Let’s be that!

We love you married Christians. We are here for you!

We will be invading you! We need you and you need us.

As the Apostle Paul teaches to the Church, “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus.”

And if you are a Christian that did get a divorce, don't let shame or self-pity take over your life. Move on and love the world. The world still needs the love in your heart. You still matter.

5 tips on how to help Christians that struggle with homosexuality deal with the ending of a friendship.

"Just when all those around me were assuring me they loved me, cared for me, appreciated me, yes, even admired me, I experienced myself as a useless, unloved, and despicable person.  Just when people were putting their arms around me. I saw the endless depth of my human misery and felt that there was nothing worth living for. Just when I had found a home, I felt absolutely homeless…..Just when people were thanking me for bringing them closer to God, I felt that God had abandoned me.  It was as if the house I had finally found had no floors. The anguish completely paralyzed me.  I could not be reached by consoling words or arguments. I no longer had any interest in other people’s problems.  I lost all appetite for food and could not appreciate the beauty of music, art, and even nature. 

All of this was triggered by the sudden interruption of a friendship." - Henri Nouwen 

One of the most common stories of Christians that struggle with homosexuality is the story of losing a particular meaningful friendship.  When this loss takes place, it is one of the most agonizing seasons of faith.  

It can be worse than struggling with homosexuality. 

Dealing with homosexuality isn’t a walk in the park.  It sucks. I would trade places most days of the year to be in the shoes of someone who doesn’t have to deal with same-sex attraction.  Gratefully, I have friends who are trying to understand my story, be there for me, love me, and give me the chance to love on them. I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I’m grateful I have friends that stick around.  

There is also so much joy when friends understand this is going to be rough and they stand by your side the whole time.  It won’t be easy walking alongside a Christian that struggles with homosexuality.  We are emotional to a degree that some men feel uncomfortable and don't know how to handle a crying man. 

But not all of the friendship is hard.  Sometimes it’s great.  It’s fun.  It’s normal. 

And so, I want to offer 5 tips for Christians who are entering into a friendship with a Christian that struggles with homosexuality and lost a friendship that was very meaningful to them.  Thanks to the writings of Henri Nouwen and Wesley Hill, I was able to receive the love and care from others as I processed the loss of my important friendship. I think the Church can benefit from their writings as well. 

1.  Listen to the Story.  
    
    Listen to the Story.  Figure out what chapter you just entered.  You can’t fix stories, they have already happened.  Understand that you haven't been a part of this broken friendship and now you just entered into their story.  You have no responsibility for our behavior, and you are not yet responsible to offer opinions or advice.  Just listen and understand.  Ask clarifying questions.  Why did this friendship mean so much? How did you meet them?  What were the good and bad times of the friendship?  Was God a part of this story? Where other friends involved? Was there a community involved? Listen and ask questions to understand the story. Don’t try to fix it.  

Also, we are going to have a lot of feelings.  These feelings most likely won't be right, but during this specific season of life, they might be the only voice we have left to explain what is going on in our hearts. 

When I was getting ready to attend Biola, I was really excited because I knew I was going to have the chance to make a bunch of new friends and have that college experience, well, Christian university experience. 

And I did. 

And it was fun. 

but I also had to live in two different worlds. 

One world was dealing with my same-sex attraction, trying to understand what that means, dealing with the shame I had because of this, making sure nobody knew I struggled with this, and trying to act as masculine as I can so nobody would know.  

I fooled some people.

The other world was literally just enjoying the college experience.  

 I was fortunate to have that. 

I was able to develop healthy normal friendships.  I had a couple of years of that.  Going out to eat late at night, eating all the fast food available, playing video games, especially Halo 2.  Going on road trips, retreats, debating theology and talking about how free will is the only right way of thinking.  Seeing my friends do stupid and immature crap and laughing about it.   

I was in the prime of creating friendships and feeling like I didn't have to deal with same-sex attraction. 

I loved it.  

I kept my struggle a secret for about two years and realized I needed some friends to process this, so I started sharing with some friends and it was great.  I was still treated like a normal person.  

But by the time I was 20, I screwed up and destroyed a friendship that was a part of my local church.  It was painful, but because I was still attending Biola and had a whole other community, I was able to get over that friendship really quick.  

But something happened that year I didn’t expect.  I met a friend, and this friend changed my life.  

In Henri Nouwen’s story, he had a similar experience, 

“Among my many friends, one had been able to touch me in a way I had never been touched before.  Our friendship encouraged me to allow myself to be loved and cared for with greater trust and confidence.  It was a totally new experience for me, and it brought immense joy and peace.  It seemed as if a door of my interior life had been opened, a door that had remained locked during my youth and most of my adult life.”

I had the same experience. This new friend opened up a door in my life that I didn’t know existed. 

I was finally allowing myself to be loved.  I was allowing myself to be valuable.  I was allowing myself to let my needs get met. 

My new friend shared some of his story with me and we were able to feel connected.  He didn’t struggle with homosexuality, but he was also fallen, just like all humans are.

What a great truth to truly understand.  

Our friendship developed in such a natural way.  Especially since we lived in the same dorm and went to the same University.  Our lives were just flowing together.  

Our friendship was one.  It was amazing.  He knew I was attracted to him and processed a lot of this with me.  I started going to therapy and learning more and more about myself.  I learned I needed touch.  I learned that time was important for me.  I learned that the transparency I was experiencing was extremely valuable to me, and I was learning I needed to be more open with friends and I started telling most of my community about my life.  

My buddy had one important rule in our friendship,  he would treat me like he would treat other guy friends.  So, I was treated like a guy.  

It was amazing.  

For a couple of years our friendship was deep, normal, and healthy, then something changed.  He started dating a friend and I lost it.  

Now I won’t get into the details of this because it gets quite complicated and I want to address it in the future with a more formal way,

but overall, we had a different idea of friendship and marriage. 

and because of that, I let the anger and hurt that started forming in me become my leader and my king.  

I treated this friend like crap for a long time and then came the consequence of that,

we were no longer friends.  

Henri Nouwen wrote what I think is the best words to describe this experience of a friendship falling apart.

“But this deeply satisfying friendship became the road to my anguish because soon I discovered that the enormous space that had been opened for me could not be filled by the one who had opened it.  I became possessive, needy, and dependent, and when the friendship finally had to be interrupted, I fell apart.  I felt abandoned, rejected and betrayed.  Indeed the extremes touch each other. Intellectually I knew that no human friendship could fulfill the deepest longing of my heart.  I knew that only God could give me what I desired. I knew that I had been set on a road where nod boy could walk with me but Jesus.  But all this knowledge didn’t help me in my pain.”  

For a couple of years I was lost, angry, in pain, bitter, in rage, I didn’t want to live, I hated the Church and most Christians, and I hated marriage.  

I was wondering why was God so silent in all of this?  Why didn’t he tell me what was going on?  

C.S Lewis was wrong when he said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains.”  

God didn’t say or do anything.  

For a couple of years, I was yelling at him every other day.  

What the hell happened to me?  Why did I lose a friend that loved me so well and showed me so much and most importantly, tried to treat me like a normal guy?  Why did this friendship mean so much to me?  I had many great close guy friends that loved me so well, but their love was something that didn’t touch me the way this friendship did.  

I think it was because the friendship helped me overcame the shame I had because a normal straight dude was comfortable with his body with me and gave me the benefit of the doubt that I wasn’t going to lust after him and walk with him in life as a best friend.

He gave me trust and gave me the opportunity to be loyal and not cross that friendship boundary.

I knew I was in the running to be his best man, that was something I was looking forward to. The one position a friend has that says, "This is my best mate!"

And it was now gone.

I don't think I'm going to have that opportunity come up again for the rest of my life either. 

During this agonizing season of life, I heard of an up and coming teacher on the topic of Christians struggling with homosexuality.  

His name was Wesley Hill and his book Spiritual friendship just came out. 

I bought it and read it and finally, for the first time, everything made sense.  He also went through the same experience.  He used different language to describe his experience though. 

In Hill’s book, in the chapter called, "Friendship is a call to suffer," he writes about the time he lost his friendship with a person he really loved. He described the first initial conversation he had to have with his friend as the friend started pursuing a woman he was into. 

“Yea, good,” he said.  “We talked. And we both feel the same way.  We talked about being together.  We’re both really happy about it. We like each other.” He laughed.  He was smiling.  The conversation trailed off.  We talked about what we’d each do that night, what work we had left for the afternoon.  We said goodbye.  I was unprepared for what happened next. My hands were shaking as I placed the phone on the desk.  And the tears came almost immediately. I knelt down and folded my knees under my stomach.  Gripping the side of the bed, I sobbed.  My eyes stung, I cried so much.  The next day I stepped into the shower. I couldn’t stop crying.  I covered my face with my hands, feeling the hot water cascading over my fingers, seeping in with the tears…..Over the previous several years, my friend and I had become especially close.  We liked each other from the time of our first meeting, and our friendship had deepened through many evenings spent talking late into the night. I have never had a friend who loved me so deeply, or whom I've loved so much, I frequently thought…"

Later on, Hill continues to tell the story of how slowly and painfully this friendship fell apart.  Although his friends said, “I’m not walking away from you. I’m not leaving.  You're not losing me,”  this friendship didn’t last. 

“I wish I could say that my friend and I found a way through this tangle of grief and somehow managed to attain an even richer intimacy, but we didn’t….We tried talking, again about what had happened, but the collision of my ongoing sense of loss and loneliness and his burgeoning joy at newfound love ultimately proved combustible, and we decided a season of not speaking to each other would be for the best.  That season turned into months and then years, and the friendship slowly dwindled.”  

When I read this part of his book.  I couldn’t believe what just happened.  Literally, the exact experience he had I had.  He sought out looking for truth and other experiences men like him encountered, and I did the same thing.  It was as if I read what I wanted to write about, but I couldn’t do it.  I was still drowning in my pain.

There are many reasons why Christians who struggle with homosexuality lose friendships.  

There is the most important conversation the Church needs to have right now which is, "Why doesn’t the church value friendships and why is marriage and the nuclear family made into an idol and allowed to still be an idol?"'

Other reasons relate to a lack of understanding of healthy boundaries and communication. A lack of understanding healthy, deep, committed friendships.  Understanding needs in a person's life. How to deal with the transitions in the social systems of life and stages in life.  

The list goes on.  

Right now here is the reality Christians need to understand, 

Many Christians that struggle with homosexuality experience this very same narrative.  We lose the friend that opened the door to us understanding how to be loved, dealing with shame, helping us understand who we want to be as a man, and also understand what are our needs.  The list goes on about this particular friendship and what it did for us.  

So the next part of the story takes place, 

We are then left in the beautiful hands of the friends that have always been there since the beginning or we meet new friends that happen to show up in this very dark chapter of our lives.  

2.  Sit with them in the pain.  
    
    Henri Nouwen wrote something I think is so beautifully well put.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life

This is going to be a long process.  We will be grieving the loss of this friendship for a long time.  One of the Professors from Biola, who was helping me navigate this issue and has a lesbian daughter who is married to a woman, told me, “Richard, this will take a long time to heal. Be ready for this, but there is hope.”  At that time, I didn’t care about anything.  I didn’t want to live and I was a mess.  This is what drove me to eventually talking to my parents that I struggled with homosexuality because I knew things were going to get rough. 

Listening to the story and sitting with us in pain are different actions.  One of my favorite stories in the Christian scriptures is the story of Job.  After Job lost all his wealth, children, and was physically inflicted with pain, his closest friends came to be with him.  

 "When Job’s three friends heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.  Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was."

I love this. They just sat with him.  That is all humans need sometimes. In the chaos of life, we just need to sit with each other and not talk and just feel the pain.  

That is a gnarly idea. 

3.  Help them make a team.  
    
    Eventually, we are going to need friends to step into this pain with us.  At first, we are going to want to be alone and raise our fist towards God and others, but then we will realize we need help. One of the issues we have dealing with homosexuality, especially if we are young, is that we want one person to help us fix our life.  To some extent, many Christians do this with marriage, especially young newly married Christians. This is dangerous.  We need a team.  We need to fight against our insecurities and lies and ask a team for help.  Henri Nouwen moved into a place of support to finally deal with the agonizing pain he was experiencing so he could receive the love he deserves and needs.  Make sure your friend who struggles with homosexuality is building a network of support and friendship to deal with their needs in their life.  

Don't be a Savior.  Be a teammate. 

They need to know that God sent many friends to be very close to them so they can eventually realize they have been loved by many and not just this one friend they had a falling out with.  They need to began to fully trust the love their friends are offering them. 

4. Invite them into your story.

The amount of pain we are experiencing can be rough,  but we can still be there for you in your life.  We need to be told that we are still in friendships with others and that we have obligations to do the best we can to support our friends in their own story.  

During the time of the the falling out with my best friend, I became friends with a cool Mormon dude that eventually moved in with me and my housemates.  For the first year as I was processing my loss, it was good to be rooming with someone who didn't even understand the true message of Jesus, that Jesus was the Son of Father, he was God, and was there in the beginning.  

I remember I would have days I would be wanting to kill myself or die somehow and then I would come home to a friend that would ask me questions about Jesus and Christianity and it would help me remember that I was a part of a bigger story, a story of redemption, sacrifice, forgiveness, and newness.  

I started realizing other humans in my life still have their stories going on and I belong to it.  It wasn't just about my loss, but about the loss and gains of others. The joys and sufferings of others.  
 
Don't be afraid to tell us your story during this time.  We need to hear it.  

5. Walk with them in the reconciliation process. 

Now, this doesn't mean that we would be able to reconcile with our friend anytime soon. What this means is in our hearts we first need to reconcile with God.  Any anger we have towards him we need to figure that out if we can, sometimes we can't and only time can help that.  I needed years to realize that God loved me and that he was taking care of me and that I needed to ask for forgiveness for all the anger, bitterness, and rage that was in my heart towards him and others.  

I also had to remember the cross represents the consequences of sins done to me. That was the hardest for me to accept.  I wanted my best friend to feel pain and consequences for the wrongs I felt he committed to me, but I was forgetting that the cross covered that.  That Jesus took on the consequences of abandonment that I felt.  That is why it is so important to forgive someone even if we don't necessarily hear an apology from them.  

"If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done."

"And when you stand and pray, forgive anything you may have against anyone, so that your Father in heaven will forgive the wrongs you have done."

"Drink it, all of you; this is my blood, which seals God's covenant, my blood poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins."

We are part of the New Covenant, but to be a part of it means we need to have a heart of forgiveness or at least pursue that truth.  I started to realize this through months of processing the pain and anger that was in me as well as realizing that my friends also were getting tired of our friendship always being about my pain.  
 
I needed to move on and forgive or I was going to become someone I didn't want to be.

 Once I realized this, a couple of years after this falling out, I was able to see the situations my friend and I were in differently.  I had more compassion, understanding, and sadness at our falling out. 

To some extent, I think what we went through happened because we were a product of our evangelical communities and we faced bigger issues that the church is trying to figure out now, which is the idolization of marriage, what is healthy true community, how important should friendship be, and how does the church offer healthy intimacy to Christians struggling with homosexuality. The church is starting to address this stuff now, it makes sense to me why we couldn't figure this out as 22-year-olds. At times I'm frustrated that this happened between us and other times I see the good this has produced in my life because it did help me in big ways which now is helping others, especially with the realization of what the 4TS were in my life that this friend gave to me. 

Henri Nouwen also reminded me of the reconciliation process and how to have compassion,

"You keep listening to those who seem to reject you.  But they never speak about you.  They speak about their own limitations.  They confess their poverty in the face of your needs and desires.  They simply ask for your compassion.  They do not say that you are bad, ugly, or despicable.  They say only that you are asking for something they cannot give and that they need to get some distance from you to survive emotionally.  The sadness is that you perceive their necessary withdrawal as a rejection of you instead of as a call to return home and discover there your true belovedness."

I can keep going on with Henri Nouwen insights.

After I was able to finally forgive the parties in this falling out, I had a passion to help Christians that don't struggle with homosexuality understand how to help others who do struggle with it.  I had developed other deep and meaningful friendships that prepared them for the chaos of a Christian that struggles with homosexuality. 

I don't want other Christian friendships to suffer the way my best friend and I suffered.  I want there to be hope, truth, and a path already walked. 

This is what reconciliation can do, it opens up the doors of redemption and God using the mess in our life to glorify his name.  I realized my experience and story can help other Christians that don't struggle with homosexuality to understand what it takes to help someone who does. 

Communication, healthy boundary expectations, understanding of loyal committed friendship, the value of touch, time, transparency, and most importantly, TEAMWORK.  

A letter to Christians walking alongside Christians who struggle with homosexuality.

A letter to Christians walking alongside Christians who struggle with homosexuality.

I want to say thank you! 

You have walked a very hard path very few Christians encounter in their Christian walk.  You have sought the deep love in your heart and have tried over and over to express that to Christians like me that have many deep wounds, pain hurt, insecurity, questions about masculinity, questions about sexuality, questions about your sexuality, the list goes on of our neediness.  

A neediness that is a sign that the Holy Spirit is doing a work in our hearts. 

But you my friend have crossed that line of normal friendship and entered into a world of chaos and anguish. 

A world of neediness, a world of self-hatred, a world of confusion and emptiness. 

When we meet  Christians like you, we will gravitate towards you quickly. 

I think Henri Nouwen Sums up the type of friend you are here…

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life

That is the role you have played in our lives. 

You are the type of friend we will attach ourselves to emotionally, call you every day and ask how are you doing?

We will be overcommitted to you, have unhealthy boundaries.  Give you whatever you want. 

Sorry about that, we were still learning how to be friends with someone who was willing to dive into this with us.  You were an answered prayer.

We would die for you (I don’t think that always bad though, we want to love with our lives, we were made for that) 

We will cry many nights because of the deep pain in our hearts.  Cry about the abuses and shame we have had to deal with since we were 10 years old and realized we are different than all the other boys on the playground.

We were called a fag, queer, pushed around, bullied, molested, raped,

We felt worthless since we were kids and you come around and act like the older brother we have been longing for and needed.

You defended us and protected us.  

You heard our story and realized that you can do something about it.

Sometimes we were suicidal, we would say very hateful things towards the church and our friends if we let our anger take over our hearts. 

We will hate it when you date because we will get jealous, or feel like we are losing a friend that seemed to be the very hands and feet of Jesus, the person we long to be connected to.

We don’t always know how to live in an evangelical setting the idolizes marriage. 

It confuses us, it causes us deep anger.

But you step into this shit and say,

“How can I help?” 

“What can I do?”

“Tell me your story?” 

At times, you might over commit and realize you didn’t know what you were signing up for, then you will back out.

You feel like you have been trapped and that we are pulling you down with us in our everlasting pit of shame, pain, agony, and sorrow.  

You began to realize that you are very different than us. You feel lost and you start to realize you need the help of Christ or you are going to drown with us. 

You didn't know how much this will cost you. 

Sometimes you just need to cut ties with us.  You need to save yourself from our craziness.  

We get it, most of us would do the same in your situation. 

We are crazy as fuck and we know it.

But that is our world.  That is what we deal with daily.  We live with this everlasting, inwardly eternal dissonance.  

Sometimes we laugh about it, do drugs, get drunk, hook up with hundreds of men just to stay alive because this pain is to heavy for us. 

We have been talking to God about this too since we were 10 years old.

He knows all about this. 

God seems quiet most of the time.  

But then you show up and it seems like God is louder than ever.  

Because you are God’s hands and feet. 

Sometimes we will put to much trust on you, too much responsibility on you. We don’t want to carry this, we would trade places with anyone in a heartbeat.

But again, you step in and say,

“What can I do?”

“How can I help?”

Some of us need help understanding a healthy theology of trusting in Jesus as we are alone and that God is truly in us, living with us offering peace and power to our chaos.

Some of us need a friend to just chill and watch Netflix.

Some of us need to go on road trips and get out of our environment for a bit.

Some of us need to live with you and your spouse (thanks Jeremy and Linsey). 

Some of us need a shoulder to cry on and hold our hand as we feel the deep pain of disconnect from friends we have had falling outs with (Thanks Tyler)

Some of us need to understand what same-sex attraction means in our life. 

Some of us just need a hug, a long one.  

Some of us need to be affirmed that we matter and that the Church isn’t afraid of us.

Some of us need to be told that we have much to offer the kingdom of God, to his church, and to our friends.  We need to be told we are slaves to Christ (Thanks Kolby). 

Some of us need help telling our parents, friends, and church leaders that we struggle with this and don’t know what to do.

Some of us just need to be told, everything is going to be okay because it really is. 

The list goes on.  

and I want to say, 

thank you.  

You entered into something that is hard.  You entered into a friendship that is going to test you. A friendship that will question your ideas of marriage, friendship, and the local church. It might scare you, cause you pain, challenge you and make you very uncomfortable at times.

We might be attracted to you. 

Let me take that back, 

we will be attracted to you. 

 We will need to talk about this so we can deal with the shame that occurs with this and even the lust in our hearts.  You were willing to talk about the body with us.  How to treat your body with respect and treat your body as a brother and not a sex object.  You also treated us like a brother.  You were not afraid of us. You treated us with trust. You took us into the locker room and showers and said,

"You belong here with me."

You are a man just like I am.

 Most Christians handle a friendship that is side by side, but we will need a friendship that is face to face. 

Again, thank you for stepping into our world for a bit, and trying the best that you can do.  At the end of the day, we know that God is the only one that can save us, but whatever the Church can offer, we will take it. 

We don’t just want to take though, we want to love and sacrifice.  We have already told God, “Fine, we won’t pursue what feels natural to us. But please give us someone or friends to love.  We can’t live life alone.  You didn’t make us like that.”

“God, You made a covenant with Abraham and called him Friend.”

“We can live without sex, but we can’t live without friends.” 

“You saved humanity through a friendship.” 

“Can you please bring friends around?”

And again,

 to the Christian who walks alongside Christians that struggle with homosexuality,

Thank you. 

You have been the hands and feet of Christ.  

And don’t forget, the hands and feet of Christ were pierced.  

Being his hands and feet will hurt.  

It will cost.  

But there is glory behind it. 

The glory being like Christ.

The glory of being used by the Holy Spirit to bring light and hope in the darkness that homosexuality can be. 

Again thank you.  That is all we can offer sometimes.  We might not be able to offer you stability, but we can offer you a very introspective reflection of the work the Holy Spirit is doing in our hearts.

In your heart.

We can show you the hidden sinful nature of your own life as you walk alongside us.

Because you will hear question after question about what is right? What is healthy? What is Holy? What is Christian?

What does it mean that Jesus said, "Pick up your Cross and follow me.”

What does it mean that “We will be like the angels in heaven that are not married.”

What does it mean to be single and married in the local church?

The apostles taught that the Word of God will pierce our own existence separating our bones from our flesh. 

Walking alongside Christians that struggle with homosexuality and are pursuing the Holiness of God in their life will cause everyone around them to rethink their own ideas of self, their pursuit of Christ, and the influence you will have with the humans around you and in your life. 

Christians who struggle with homosexuality have a lot to offer you.  

But it will be tough.  

But for right now, I just want to leave you with this,

Thank you for walking with us. 

You have done a great job.

What The Church has that Gay Porn doesn't.

    When I was 15, I won a PSP at my church youth group. I remember that night I went home happy I won such a pricey device I would not have bought for myself. I ended up selling it to someone for 200 bucks! For those who don't remember a PSP, it was one of the first personal devices for teens and children to play PlayStation games.

But that night, I was in my room trying to figure out this new device. My concern was whether or not it had internet. Once I figured out it had internet,

I went straight to googling "naked men."

Most men see porn from ages 8-11 for the first time. Many friends told me they first saw it on their father's computers. I'm saddened that many Christians, especially women, don't think their husbands or friends have seen porn or even struggle with looking at it, or women make a man's porn issue about themselves. Not understanding this started long before she came into the picture so annoying. Anyway, a lot of shame falls on men for dealing with this, but I won't be discussing that today.

When I was growing up, we never had a computer in our house, so those issues never came up. That is why my first look at porn was when I was 15.

But I didn't look at just "porn."

I looked at "Gay Porn."

There is a difference.

Geeze, I'm glad I got that off my chest (That's what he said! cause gay."- Michael Scott).

Why did I go straight for the "naked man googling" when I got this device?

As a kid, I went through some sexual abuse, but for me, it wasn't traumatic the way others go through sexual abuse. Nevertheless, the idea of a man was sexually pleasing to me. I wanted to see men, feel men, be like certain men, have their persona, have their bodies, and be known by these men, and I wanted to lust after them and their bodies. Right in the middle of puberty, from 12-16, men or masculinity became foreign to me.

I wanted what they had.

I wanted to be taller, white, and bigger. I wanted them, their athletic abilities, blonde hair, and blue eyes. I hated my body. So this desire to see a naked man was for many complex reasons. This was the only tangible way I could repair my self-esteem as a 16-year-old who didn't know what was happening to me.

This was the only way I could know masculinity and be known by it.

This was the only way I could know a male deeply.

As I was doing some research on this topic of gay porn, I ran into some interesting stats from the website Pornhub.

And here are some stats about Pornhubs gay use from across the pond in England. 

 \When I first saw these stats, it reminded me of something I read quite a while back, 

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lester-brathwaite/adventures-in-sex-and-sel_b_4921467.html

This post addresses a bigger conversation occurring within the gay community.  As much as the gay community is all about acceptance, tolerance, be true to yourself, it's far from those ideals. 

Masculinity is the god in the gay world. 

You are either trying to be masculine and be the TOP and fuck a bottom, which I think makes gay men feel good about themselves. 

Or you are a Bottom wanting masculinity to be in you, and so you are fucked by a top, hoping this satisfies your desire for masculinity approval.

A lot goes with these ideas I am presenting, but I am also not going to address that directly, but I’m going to write about it now.

What I want to talk about is this need for masculinity these gay men want and how gay porn satisfies that want in a fake, shallow, and addictive way, and how the Church is more powerful than gay porn and can offer this healthy need for masculinity in 3 ways.

1.  The Church can offer male intimacy that gay porn can't.
     A. Through Touch
    B. Time
    C. Transparency
    D. Teamwork
2. The Church can offer an actual male body that gay porn can't.  
    A. Through Touch
    B. Time
    C. Transparency
    D. Teamwork
3.  The Church will help with the healing process and the redemption God desires for his children that gay porn can't.
    A. Through Touch
    B. Time
    C. Transparency
    D. Teamwork. 

One of the most fascinating stats about gay porn was how many categories were tied to "Straight men" in the U.S. and England.

Straight first time
Straight
Straight friend
straight guy tricked
straight seduced
daddy
college

I can't address the "Black" category.  I have been reading and searching to figure that out, and it's hard to pinpoint the reason.

When I look at these stats, I see men looking for the God-given need for same-sex intimacy, friendship, and healthy male experiences such as the locker room, and college roommates. 

Yes, some of the categories are gross, manipulative, scary, straight-up evil, and sinful.  

But that is what Satan and our sinfulness have done to our beautiful home called Earth and beautiful family called humanity.  

These gay men and Christians who struggle with homosexuality are watching gay porn and are longing for same-sex intimacy, and Satan is tricking them! They are also weak and giving in. 

And guess what!?

The Church, with the help of the Holy Spirit, 

sent by Jesus, 

sent by the Father, 

has given the Church the ability to save, carry the burdens, and be a light to the sinners who need the saving grace of Christ.

They are the hands and feet of Christ. 

Why do these men want to watch a "straight first-time" man having gay sex? 

Because there is intimacy they are longing for that Christian men can give them through hugs, time, vulnerability spiritually, emotionally, and physically(like the locker room and showers), and teamwork (fighting loneliness).

Why are "Straight men" being searched on gay porn? Because these men are looking for what they feel they don't have, 

Masculinity.

The Church can offer healthy masculinity through transparency.  The Church can talk about what it means to be a man, what it means to be a strong man, a weak man, a compassionate man, and an artsy man.  What insecurities do you have as a man?  What hurts do you have as a man?  What sexual abuse you have been through as a man, trust me, many straight Christian men have gone through same-sex abuse as a child.  

Let's be vulnerable and talk about that! 

Let's talk about the body.  Is your penis small? Are you chubby? Are you afraid of what other men think of your body? Can you fight? Are you good-looking enough to get a girl?  Are you smart enough?  Are you looking for the approval of other men?  

Straight men who are confident with their masculinity and understand who they are as a follower of Jesus and as a man have the ability to walk alongside Christians that struggle with homosexuality, really their masculinity, and help them exercise those male qualities that are unique to them! To walk around knowing you are male simply because you are, and no other male body can give you what you already have.  His penis isn't yours. His blonde hair isn't yours. His lovely gold Californian tan isn't yours.

You are you, and that is great! 

These gay men and Christians that struggle with homosexuality shouldn't have to "Seduce straight men" or "trick straight men" into experiencing the intimacy of being male together. 

In a healthy, appropriate platonic, and confident manner, the Church can offer their bodies as friends would for each other through touch, hugs, celebratory punches, and cuddling. 

The gay man in his article wrote he was happy to be cuddling with this man whom he had just had sex with but knew this wouldn't last.  I would love for him to know that the Church can offer this touch.  I know that is scary, but is it sinful or unhealthy to offer a cuddle?

Hell no! 

Is it weird and awkward for a Christian man to offer this? Well, it sure is.

But the more and more Christians have to hear the desires and longings deep within teenagers and adults who struggle with homosexuality, they will have to realize that they can't keep saying, "Give it to God." It's not going to work like that.  We will lose tons and tons of young adults to the gay community that offers that.  

Also, Christian men who struggle with homosexuality shouldn't feel like they need to seduce, hide, manipulate, or "trick straight men" into feeling like one of the guys in the locker room, the skinny dipping spontaneous late-night thrill, the moment when you guys are both changing and glance and each other and see each other's nuts.  Christian men should be normal with these men who struggle with homosexuality and walk alongside them as they learn to desexualize this everyday healthy experience.  

This isn't reparative therapy, either.

This is learning how to respect and understand boundaries and also 

Just being normal. 

It's just a penis. It's a part of us, and it's funny that is why men do the helicopter in the locker rooms and showers.  Having a penis and showing it off in locker rooms during the craziness of team environments and brotherhood and just roomatehood helps Christian men realize they must treat these friends and brothers as friends and brothers.  All parts of them.  Their spirituality, their emotions, and their bodies. 

Gay porn is trying to offer the teamwork these Christian men are trying to find.  

And the Church is better! 

The Church offers reality. 

It offers friendship. 

Long-term, lifelong friendship.

It offers shoulders to cry on.  Friends to hold your hand at night as you are in pain.  Friends to celebrate birthdays with. Births to celebrate, marriages to celebrate, helping your friends after surgery.  Hearing their hurts and pains as they are married, looking to you for help and advice.  The Church has gifts to give, thoughtful affections, and services.  

It has the chance to give that intimate moment when a fellow brother or sister looks into another Christian's eyes (who struggles with homosexuality) as they turn their head down because they are not used to real true intimacy and say, 

"I am here for you, and you belong to my family and me, and we are in a friendship together, and I need you just like you need me.  And together, we will walk alongside each other as we learn what it means to serve and love God and do the same for others."

"We are one."

That is way better than a night in the dark hiding with shame at the 5-minute video of men being pleasured by each other.

That is a lie!!!!

It's not real, and it won't help the Christians that struggle with homosexuality receive and give the love and intimacy they need. 

To my Christian brothers, church leaders, friends,

Ask your Christian brothers you know who struggle with this if they watch gay porn? 

Don't be afraid of the answer. 

Ask them what they watch and why they watch it.

This gets to the truth and healing and battle and low self-esteem issues they are dealing with.  

And get ready to offer the 4T'S. Friendship. Church Community.  Church rebukes.  Adventures.  Vulnerability.  Your time.  Your life.  Your body.  

This is a battle over the body.  Suppose we keep thinking that Christians struggle with homosexuality or their masculinity only need our spiritual wisdom, not our bodies. In that case, we will not get to the blessings of walking with our brothers who deal with this, and we will lose them to the community offering their bodies. 

Gay porn is fake.

The Christian Church is Real!

We have bodies, intimate non-sexual experiences of touch and vulnerability.   

We are better than that! 

We have way more going for us than gay porn. 

Adam was trying to know God on the level of God and ate something that gave fake truth to him.

And God was trying to Know Adam on Adams level by walking with him.  Maybe a skinny dip here and there. 

And the Son came to our level and walked with us in our human body. 

He wasn't afraid to get physical with us.  

The church shouldn't either with the struggling children of God. 

The Holy Spirit is redeeming them too! Transforming their minds to the perfect will of God. 

To know each other the way we ought to know each other. 

As friends, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, 

As the Church. 

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When the Side B Community says you need to be called a Celibate GAY Christian

“Your Gayness does not define you.  Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. - Michael Scott

I love the office! It's one of the best comedies ever created.  I enjoy it because it says comments people really think and want to do in the workplace.  Whether it's good or bad, it's real.  That is why so many people like it.  They can relate to the ordinary workday presented in the show and the ridiculous comments humans make in the workplace.

What I find hilarious about this Michael Scott quote is it threw in so many complicated ideas, topics, and language that Americans use to communicate race, sexual identity, and the most interesting idea to me, how people want to label you after you have labeled yourself.

“Your Mexican-ness is what DEFINES YOU TO ME.” 

Gold! 

This is Satire. 

Satire allows for comedy to cover up the reality of real human thoughts, actions, and systems, especially when they are not politically correct.

Now there seems to be an attitude of theological correctness in certain Side B camps, and it is becoming unproductive for the local church. It's also becoming tribal and bullish.   

Specifically, around the idea Side B Christians need to be called “Celibate Gay Christians.”

If you don't agree with them on this label, you're seen as not being very honest with yourself, that is the same idea the gay community tells me for not embracing "who I am."

But before I get into those 3 words, I want to explain a labeling and identity issue I had to deal with before I even get to my same-sex attraction categories I supposedly have to put myself in and it has to deal with my...

...Well...

“Mexicanity”

I grew up in a small city in Los Angeles County that is 80% Hispanic.  

The word Hispanic, according to sociological and anthropological definitions, has two meanings.

1. It's an adjective relating a person to Spain or Spanish-speaking countries, especially those of Latin America.
2. It's a noun for someone who speaks Spanish. 

This was quite hard for me to understand in my development as a Hispanic male because I only qualify for one of these meanings. What disqualifies me from the holistic idea of a “Hispanic” is that I don't speak Spanish.  

My family doesn’t speak Spanish.

My parents don't speak Spanish.

I think my grandparents do, but they never spoke it to me.  

We are about 4 generations away from Spanish being our family's primary language and that's on both sides of my family.  

To complicate my life a little more, I had to deal with another identity issue.  

I live in Los Angeles where Mexicans seem to be the biggest minority group present. I would even say they are the biggest people group.  You see the Mexican flag around in shops and places where the Mexican culture is the dominant culture represented in the Los Angeles melting pot.  

And so, if you are of a brown skin color, it's assumed you are, well,

Mexican. 

But within this region, many Hispanics get upset when they are called Mexican because there are many different races present in this region.  There is Honduran, El Salvadorian, etc.  Many Latin Countries are presented here in Los Angeles. So it's offensive to many who are Hispanic when they are categorized as Mexican.  

But on top of this complexity, there is something else, no matter what nationality you come from, 

you need to embrace the culture of that nationality.

So for me, this means I need to embrace being a Mexican.  

But I'm not Mexican.  

I don't have a citizenship from there. I've been there like 4 times in my life for a weekend.  And my experience has a human has always been within the context and worldview of being an American! 

Recently, I did the Camino De Santiago in Spain, and I ran into many people from all over the world.  Within the communities that formed on this long month walk, we got to know each other well, and my American attitude bled out of me.  I was known as the Californian who voted for Trump.  I was a conservative, I was for capitalism, and I was extremely individualistic in my presentation of my thoughts.  

I was American.   And I don't speak Spanish and I'm not Mexican.

Yet! I'm criticized by many Spanish speakers for not knowing Spanish, and not embracing my Mexican heritage.  And I'm criticized by many white Americans for not embracing my Mexican Heritage. 

I'm supposed to identify myself with words I don't comprehend or understand.  I feel like I would violate the Mexicans I do know and the Spanish Speakers that know Spanish if I embraced these labels.

Words. 

Labels

Identities.

I'm okay with them.  The brain works like that. I don't mind it. And I embrace it.  

But don't tell me what I'm supposed to call myself, especially if I don't qualify to be in those categories.  

And if we are going to use sociological and anthropological words to describe ourselves, if we are going to use

 “social constructs” 

then we need to keep our academic integrity and not use words however we want just because it makes sense to us or we like it. If we don't want to use sociological and anthropological language, then say whatever you want.  But if we want to use those words, then you have to qualify for them. If not, then who the hell cares what any of us are in regards to words, labels, identities.  

Words are meaningless then.  

But we know that is not true because words are powerful and give us ideas and perception of reality and how to live in this reality.

So, let's talk about CELIBATE GAY CHRISTIANS. 

But before we go there, I want to preface this with the Christian beliefs of vocations and the results of life.

ALL Christian tradition and culture has taught Christians have two choices for their vocation in regards to their options for New Covenant Sexuality.

(I define sexuality as the act of using your reproductive organs and your body, in general, to express eros for another and fulfill the reproductive responsibility of sex.)

It's either in marriage or celibacy.  Within these two pursuits, Chastity is commanded for all Christians.  There is Chastity in Marriage and in Celibacy. 

For Christians who can't find a spouse, this doesn’t mean they are pursuing celibacy, this means they need to understand how to live a life of Chastity as they figure out how to get married or whatever words I need to say to communicate that Christians just have to wait to get married sometimes or learn how to be a single person in their local church practising chastity. 

They are living in the results of not being married, being single. 

Let's get more into it. 

Recently there has been a discussion if Christians who are attracted to the same sex should combine all these words.  Specifically, the GAY word.

Funny note, Celibacy is more accurately defined or understood by Catholics and Orthodox Christians, but evangelicals don't care about celibacy so more drama has been about the word “GAY Christian” ignoring the word “CELIBATE” Gay Christian, as if that word isn't as important. 

So let's start off with the word Celibate and also compare it with some words I have to deal with in my life in regards to being Hispanic/Latin/Mexican/American.

Many of these “Celibate Gay Christians” only define themselves as celibate because they are abstaining from the sex actions they desire.  What I mean is they are trying to not have sex with the same sex or get involved romantically with someone of the same sex.  That's basically it.  As I have talks with these “Celibates Gays,” I never hear them talking about Celibacy in a way the Biblical writers are talking about Celibacy or the way Ancient and Traditional Christians talk about Celibacy, such as the Catholic monks, priest, nuns, and orthodox celibate priest.  

The old ideas of Celibacy come from ideas that relate to a Christian making a vow to not pursue a marriage relationship because they believe they can be of better service for the Church as a Single person who can in a healthy way live a life not participating in a biological family and living a life of chastity.   

Ironically,  Wesley Hills talks who calls himself a “Celibate Gay Christian” wrote this about celibacy which I think is spot on. 

        ...celibacy is an important reminder that love isn’t reducible to what we do in bed or over a candlelit table for two. It is a reminder that love exceeds the boundaries of the nuclear family. Celibacy is not about a heroic feat of willpower. It’s about giving up one way of expressing love in order to be able to love widely, profligately, indiscriminately. It’s about foregoing a spouse in order to love a community. It’s about giving up the possibility of children in order to become a spiritual father or mother in the family called “church.” It’s about being a little less entangled in the life of the world in order to be a little more free to celebrate the coming kingdom of God, in which none of us will be married and all of us will be spiritual friends with everyone else in the new creation that God will usher in. In the words of Ronald Rolheiser, “Celibacy, if properly lived, can be an important way to keep alive, visible             and in the flesh, that part of the incarnation which tells us that when one is speaking of love, the human heart is the central organ.”

I find it interesting that Wesley Hill gives a great description for the vocation of celibacy but he ties it to Side B Christianity.

But not all Side B Christians have the charisma to be celibate, but they are called to chastity just like other Christians are.  

Now, about 90% of Side B Christians I know, Christians who struggle with homosexuality or call themselves “Celibate Gay Christians,” or not trying to fulfill the vocation of being celibate.

Sure they are trying to love others well in their life, but ALL Christians in whatever vocation they are in are commanded to love others. 

But they are not fulfilling the unique calling of the Holy and Profound Vocation of Celibacy the way Wesley Hill Describes Celibacy.  

If these Celibate Gay Christians are actually fulfilling the Holy Spirit's empowerment for the charisma of celibacy for the Church, I'm not that impressed because all these Celibate Gay Christians just seem to be advocates for labels and are not fulfilling the role of a Celibate Vocation.

They are not a mother to the motherless, a father to the fatherless, a friend to the friendless, a light to the darkness, a little Jesus to the lost.

They want to be a GAY in the Church.  

That seems to be their main concern.  

Now, I'm generalizing here, so yes there are a some who are Side B fulfilling the proper vocation of celibacy, but my money is that most are not, at least the ones I know of. 

This is VERY important to distinguish so that way the Evangelical church knows just because someone is struggling with homosexuality doesn’t mean they are called to Celibacy, they are called to live Holy Chaste lives just like other Christians who are not struggling with homosexuality.  

Celibacy is a Charisma some Christians have, Chastity is a Command for all Christians.  It is a charisma the Evangelical church doesn't want to teach yet because they don't want to let go of sex and their lustful desires.  They are blinded by their own fallen sexuality not realizing they are worshiping an idol.  They too justify their own sex acts just because it is in the context of male and female.  They are not off the hook and many know that now because as we pursue more community and intimacy regarding this topic, we will visit the sexual desires of all Christians and question the intention, ethics, and teachings regarding New Covenant Sexuality. 

They don't want to teach the Gift of Celibacy because they are afraid of the sacrifice.  They are fine putting that on others, especially Christians that are struggling with homosexuality, but they won't put that on Christians struggling with heterosexuality. 

There is a lot more I can get into here, but I'll stop for right now.

But Just like I can't fully qualify as being “Hispanic,” but I come from a Spanish descent (which qualifies me for half of the definition of being Hispanic)...

...I can't qualify for being a “Celibate” because I can't give the type of Holy and Profound love Christians who are celibate can, such as priest, nuns, monks, etc.  

I'm not Celibate, I'm just a single guy trying to practice chastity, and so are most of you Side B Christians.  Let's learn how to do that together.  This is why I created the 4TS and the Church website. I want the local church to know how to walk alongside us Side Bers as we are single living chaste lives that have deep same-sex intimacy needs that have to be met.  

Also, we can meet their needs too! 

We are the bride of Christ.  We are in a covenant together married to Jesus.  

Now let's talk about the word “GAY.”

I grew up in Los Angeles in a Hispanic (I'm glad we have that defined) culture and I work in West Holywood every weekend and on some weekday nights.

If you are a Christian and you tell someone in West Hollywood you are a Gay Christian, what do you think they will think or say?

This - “OH! That means you are attracted to the same sex but you don't pursue a Romantic relationship with the same sex because you think it is unchristian and sinful.”

Hell no! 

They would think you are simply looking for eros love with the same sex just like others are looking for eros love.  (they wouldn't use the word eros)

This is not only a descriptor for what you are attracted too, it is a descriptor for what you are pursuing in regards to what you think humans can participate in, gay sex, and adding Christian to it doesn't even matter. 
 
Culture, words, geographic location, all add to what a word means.  I don't know what all the “Celibate Gay Christians” think, but at least here in So Cal, the word “Gay” doesn't mean what Side B Christians are saying.  It means what it means.   

GAY 

That God made you like this.  That your want to have sex with the same sex is good and doesn't need to be redeemed.  

Now, this word is also tricky because, in the history of English language, it was never tied to someone who wants to have sex with someone of the same sex.  It meant carefree, bright, friendly, happy.  

Not until the late 19th 20th century did this word get tied to the social construct word “homosexual” which is a scientific word to describe someone sexually attracted to the same sex. 

Then the word straight which originally meant “upright, serious, not caving in got tied to another social construct word, heterosexual, which means sexual attraction to those of the opposite sex. 

So all that to say, When Side B Christians say they are “Gay” they are not using this new modern word the right way.  They are trying to, like how Christianity has always done, take over culture and use the word the way they want to. 

Just like if I was to start calling myself “Mexican.”  But I'm not Mexican, even if I wanted to be, I'm not from Mexico and I don't even have citizenship there. I can call myself that, and some Hispanics would be happy if I did, but I'm not truly Mexican.

If you are a “GAY” Christian, you can call yourself that, and make Side A and Side B people happy who relate to you, and go to gay pride parades and participate in a “GAY Celebration.” 

But don't kid yourself, you're not really gay and you are not celebrating the same thing the Gay community is celebrating.  

Now, if I want to be Mexican, I can go to Mexico and try to get citizenship there and if I did get citizenship I can call myself Mexican! I can even call myself Mexican/American! 

And so if you want the identity of a “Gay” person, you can accept the beliefs and cultural definition of the Gay word, which is someone who affirms that gay relationships are sociologically acceptable and good for humans and that God made you like that. He made you with a desire to have sex with the same sex and that is all good. Then you can call yourself a Gay Christian.  

Good for you! 

But overall, Side B Christians who really want this label to communicate their experience as a Side B Christian are not helping the overall discussion of how can the church meet the needs of Side B Christians.  

If anything, you are making it worse for us and them.  

Before we can even talk about needs, they want to know why you are calling yourself gay?

And they too are wrong for using social constructs such as the word straight and heterosexual to say this is how God wants things to be.

The Nashville Statement shows how Christians are still misinformed about language, culture, and even the faults in their own theology and anthropology.  They condemn Freudian words used by Side B Christians to communicate their experience yet use Freudian words to describe their own experience and say it's good. It's Holy.  

but let us not walk in their steps, and let's point out their wrongs for doing that in a constructive way.  

At the end of the day, I think these damn labels are messing everything up.  We are not keeping to the rules of language and society and we are confusing people.  

And worse, the gospel and redemption that God is doing in the lives of Side B folks are getting lost as we fight over these words.  

Fine, Christians are not going to understand us.  But even if they let you identify however you want, so what?  

What happens now?

You think they understand us now?

I hate talking about this topic because it reminds me of how uncharitable Christians are to each other.  Everyone is talking about the same shit using different words and creating tribes over this stuff.

Fine, if you want to call yourself a “GAY CELIBATE CHRISTIAN,” go ahead.  

I don't really care because I know I have to ask clarifying questions to understand where that person is coming from. I'll do that, I don't mind.

But to my Side B friends who want to call themselves “Celibate Gay Chrisitan,” don't think you have authority to say this is what all Side B Christians should call themselves.  

I've already been through enough fucked up shit in the Church, I don't need to submit myself to a word that has caused me so much pain in my life because of the experiences I have living here in California.  You don't get to say what words I need to define myself as, especially if you want to redefine words that are not in sync with the Christian tradition.  

I'm not fully Hispanic and I'm not Mexican. 

And I'm not Celibate, but I'm trying to be chaste, and I'm not gay.

I'm not lying to myself, 

I'm not deceiving myself about who I really am,

I'm not acting like I'm not a part of a sinful human family,

I'm not acting like I don't have a strong desire to have sex with men,

I'm not acting like I don't find men aesthetically attractive, 

I'm not picking sides on what Side B label I should have, 

I'm not going to disassociate myself with Celibate Gay Christians, 

I simply want the Church to be a team,

To communicate well,

To understand each other well,

To meet each other's needs,

To be a little Jesus in this dark, broken, sinful, rebellious, needy world,

To bring the good news of Jesus,  

To talk about what he conquered and how to be in his Kingdom,

I'm simply Christian.

How the 4Ts can Display the Father’s Love to our SSA Family by Jeremy Driggs

Hi, my name is Jeremy Driggs. I am a Christian, married to Lindsey Driggs for about 2 years, and I have been friends with Richard Padilla for 6 long years. The 4Ts have been foundational for my experience as a pastor, husband, friend, and son. I really believe there can be freedom, joy, and hope when these 4Ts are embodied by a local church.  I hope to be able to share some of those thoughts with you, but for now, I would like to introduce myself and offer some hope.

I grew up in the Bay Area and started following Jesus when I was 15, I spent the next 6 years following a road to pastoral ministry, serving at a church, studying theology, ultimately I found out how little I actually knew.

Click on the Picture to see more pics of Jeremy's Pastoral days over the College Ministry

By 22 I was interning at a church and on my way to a pastoral position. Before I turned 23 I was serving as a young adults pastor, again realizing how I did not even know what I did not know. While it was humbling, it was extremely grounding for me, much like being friends with someone who struggles with same-sex attraction (SSA). *Disclaimer*: these labels are simply to distinguish our Christian family’s unique experience in this life. 

Richard is a persistent guy, so he relentlessly pursued me as a friend. Note, friendship is important and should be a two-way street, but sometimes you have to humble yourself and be the pursuer for an extended season, this is what Richard resolved to be. 

Before meeting Richard, I was naive to the way SSA Christians experience life within the church. I thought being SSA was a choice, so by faith and grace, God could make you not gay or SSA. I also had not met someone who was so honest with his true self; his longings, his anger, pain, selfishness, hopes, dreams. In short, Richard was a lot to handle, but luckily I just graduated college, had quite a bit of free time and had time to get to know Richard. 

That first year of our friendship we spent a lot of TIME together. This was foundational for building our friendship. We also hugged each other a lot, although Richard is a really awkward hugger. I learned to trust that my friend Richard needs TOUCH, and it is up to him, to be honest with what he can and cannot handle. Touch is an easy one for me because I grew up in an Italian family that was always physically affectionate.  Over a long period of time, we pursued TRANSPARENCY, as we shared our hearts with one another, prayed, shared our dreams and even went to the Korean Spa together. The nudity one was easy for me because I think being naked is hilarious and liberating, but I know that is not true for everyone, as this is one of the most sensitive and controversial subjects in the 4Ts. 

Vegetables are funny to us. 🍆

Lastly, while my friendship with Richard has had its ups and downs, it has sustained itself because Richard has pursued a TEAM to surround him and hold him. A mentor of mine always taught me that every person needs a web of support so that if one strand breaks, they can still be upheld. Teamwork has kept me from throwing in the towel on my friendship with Richard because I know that I am not alone. 

It was a great dinner when these two studs met each other.  Sith is a big support in my life.  I was glad Jeremy got to meet him.

My blessings in my life, friends that I can talk to about struggling with Homosexuality. 

My friendship with Richard has taught me how little I know about the human experience, especially with those who are SSA. While it has been a humbling and frustrating process, it has kept me close to the main things, forcing me to trust in Christ as the cornerstone. 
One thing I have learned is that as a Christian that has been invited into this New Covenant, I have a lot of liberties, but my liberties are not my cornerstone, Jesus is. I have the liberty to get married, be single, drink alcohol, dance, watch movies, make stupid jokes, have children, adopt kids, save my money, give my money away, etc.  However, I find myself often embracing the liberties I have as the source of life, instead of allowing the source of the universe to be life for me. 

Our current living situation! It's fun! 

One married couple + one single guy + one ssa guy = Christians living life together 

When it comes to all relationships, we as Christians have liberties to be in or out of a lot of relationships. When it comes to marriage, friendship, blood family, and neighbors we can choose to pursue those things or not. However, we must all be careful to not make the pursuit of any of those relationships our central source of hope, life, and joy. Ultimately, those things become the cornerstone, instead of Jesus, because our hope is in the vibrancy of those relationships instead of in the Resurrection. 

I invite you, as we journey to walk faithfully, to ask yourself, where is my hope? Why am I so willing to sacrifice for something other than Christ? What might it look like if I embraced my hope, loosened the grip on my liberties, and looked for ways to love those around me? There is grace as we walk by faith. 

The Father is patiently waiting for us to believe that he loves us. The Father is patiently waiting for his children to walk in love with hope.

May you have HOPE where you are today.

Sometimes the relationship between our SSA family and the church can feel hopeless, complex and confusing. It may feel like our SSA family is too needy for us heterosexuals. As if the SSA followers of Jesus are the pinky toe of the body that needs to grow, but we can do without the toe.

May I ask my heterosexual family this question:

What if you are just as needy, but you have a space for those needs to be met in a “traditional” system?

What if our SSA family has the same needs but can’t satisfy them in the “traditional” way?

What if you could do something about this?

When we allow ourselves to be loved by the Father to greater depths, we may be able to offer this radical grace to those around us. Maybe the 4Ts is a pragmatic application of Jesus’ promise that the world will know we are his disciples by our love for one another. 

I want to end this post with a scripture verse that came to mind as I was writing this. 

“My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God. My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other. No one has seen God, ever. But if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us, and his love becomes complete in us—perfect love!”
1 John 4
(The Message)
 

Transparency: Admitting to yourself being alone won’t kill you. You may actually like it.

I’m currently in a smelly hostel wide awake at 4am in Barcelona hearing four men snoring so why not write on my iPhone?

In about 2 days I’m going to start a walk called the Camino de Santiago. Which is a 500 mile walk throughout Spain! I found out about this as I was doing some research for the 4TS and googling friendships!

I ran into a story about two best friends who did the walk. One man has a disease similar to ALS and asked his best bud if he would want to do the walk with him and his best bud said, 

“I’ll push you.”

And he pushed him the whole 500 miles in a wheel chair.

Doing an event like this with a friend or more importantly with a “best friend” would have meant the world to me.

It’s something I long for.

Something I dream about.

But that’s not what I get to experience. In fact, the longing for a best friend or loss of a best friend is something I have been trying to let go of or wish didn’t exist in my life.

But as I’ve been preparing for this trip I read something about the Camino that someone wrote that I haven’t forgotten.

It said

“Don’t be afraid to do the Camino alone, and don’t be afraid to like it.”

And it’s the last part that has been getting to me.

“....Don’t be afraid to like it.”

And the truth is, I’m happy I’m doing this alone. But I don’t want to tell myself I like it because I feel like I will lose!

I will lose the battle I have against the Church for better community!

I will lose the battle against the Church for friendship to be more valuable.

I will lose the battle against the Church that I can’t always be “alone with God.”

I will lose the battle against the Church that I wasn’t made to be alone with God.

I will lose the battle against my friends that I feel have screwed me in the past.

I will lose the battle against my own thoughts that if I do things alone I will die a slow lonely death.

If I like this I’m afraid that means I can still keep living life and find fulfillment not getting what I want.

And worse of all, if I like it, that means struggling with homosexuality doesn’t mean it’s a struggle that feels like a lonely death everyday.

Instead liking this will be a submission to a death that leads to resurrection.

Christians who struggle with homosexuality have a fear of being and dying alone.

But the reality is, everyone dies alone. It is the one thing that we all do alone.

Sometimes I wonder if we try to run from this truth.

A truth that has been going on since the beginning of humanity.

We run to love to get away from this.

Most humans long for a companion. Even today I was talking to a 26 year old Argentinian who also came to Barcelona alone and visited the sights, he said he didn’t talk to anyone for 8 hours and he needs to celebrate the beauty of Barcelona with someone and he didn’t have anyone.

Now today we are going to tour Barcelona together.

Being alone and doing things without my friends or a best friend sounds like the end of the world to me.

As most of my guy friends had a dream and longing to be married and the Church being the best place for this to happen....

I, with some same sex attraction, struggling with homosexuality, masculine identity problems, and the longing for great friendship, wanted to go on adventures with my friends and right now the Church seems to sometimes be the last place for this, not always though. Things are slowly changing, especially with more and more singles being a part of the Church.

But this new found idea of “liking” things I do alone is scary to me.

And let’s start with my death. I wonder if I should like it since it is the door to resurrection.

The door to being like my King.

My God.

Dying to my fears opens up doors.

Doors that lead to more discipleship and friendships.

Doors that lead to knowing God more which is scary.

Doors that lead to more responsibilities and knowledge.

Doors that lead to sacrifice, risk, and thrills.

As a church kid I was never taught to do things alone. I was actually taught I would get married one day and fulfill God’s will for my life.

Even at biola I had to hear so many men and women explain to me that the way life works is that God puts two people together (usually a husband and wife) and sends them out for mission.

Boy was that bullshit.

I’m learning more than ever that God is bound by no human idea and seems to be bound by his own pursuit of beauty and wildness.

He isn’t the husband that wants the American life and comfortable career.

He is the husband that married a whore.

The God that became a man.

The God that became a human king.

The God that debates with humans.

The God that speaks without sounds and holds without hands.

The Father that opened his house to everyone who wants in.

I’m learning that God isn’t afraid to get risky and adventurous.

But I am.

And liking the Camino as I do it alone feels like I’m giving in to the ways of God.

It doesn’t mean that community isn’t important. Actually the Camino is all about community.

It doesn’t mean that marriage isn’t important, which I know many feel like I disregard just because I lower its value in the church.

It doesn’t mean I don’t need friendship, which I actually do because I would not be a Christian without my friends.

Right now it seems liking the Camino as I do it alone Might mean that I need to not find comfort  in what I want for my life (a best friend, or “the one”) but find comfort that in any circumstance,

especially the circumstance of death and loneliness, the most scary of circumstances,

God has already walked that part of the road before me and he is waiting for me on the other side.

He doesn’t want me to find comfort in having a companion the way evangelicals read the genesis account.

He doesn’t want me to be “truly loved and known” the way the gay community and evangelical community teach marriage apparently accomplishes.

Actually since I have been getting older, I’m Realizing  most married folks don’t know their partners fully. And that is okay.

If anything, God wants me to find comfort in his great commission!

“Go to all the world and preach the gospel.”

“Make disciples.” (Not nuclear families, he didn’t say that. Like Jesus didn’t say to all his followers, “you all need to get married,” like he didn’t say that at all. He didn’t say we all deserve to get married and date. I’m exhausted hearing the gay community and evangelical community tell me we all deserve “true love.” The true love that marriage offers. They are trying to sell me an idol and I’m trying to call “bullshit” on that one.

Making disciples is a rough teaching when you think about it.

That means Jesus made a point of reference for a christians life whenever a Christian is trying to figure out their purpose in life.

God’s Kingdom come, his will be done.

And the beauty of following Jesus’ great want for his followers to accomplish is that we don’t really walk alone in life.

Making disciples, spending time with people that don’t know the gospel, inviting them into your life, into your Netflix chill nights, your vacations, your pains and suffering,

all that means is that you get more friends and more ways of being known and more ways for humans to know their king.

Well, I have 500 miles of walking ahead of me.

Actually, before that. A 6 hour bus ride, than a two hour bus ride. Then 2 days, then I’ll walk.

And the first lesson or two I’ve learned is.

“Don’t be afraid to do things alone.”

“And don’t be afraid to like it.”

Teamwork: Pastors, Let's talk about married male church members having affairs with other men using Grindr.

My generation is extremely comfortable with gay men and women. Christian teenagers are easily convinced that being gay is natural and that God made them that way.  Being gay is nothing new anymore.  There is gay and straight and life goes on.  

A Christian young adult that decides to embrace their desire to have a same-sex relationship decides by the age of 22 -24, sometimes sooner.  They usually don’t get involved in a traditional marriage because they realize it doesn’t fit their sexual preference or orientation. 

But for the older generation, I would say 45 years and older, there are some major issues taking place now and days.  

Many men are having secret affairs with other men.  

And many are using one specific app, Grindr.  

According to research in 2017 by Quantcast (A company that does research on apps), it reveals the most searched dating app In Every U.S. State.  

“Grindr performed well in coastal states. The gay dating app ruled California and Maine, but also proved popular in states that are traditionally less LGBT-friendly. Grindr was also the most searched service in Nevada, Missouri, and Mississippi."

Grindr has 27 million registered users with 30% of them from the United States.

That leaves about 8 to 9 million users in the US. 

If you simply download the app, you will see many men that describe themselves as married that are DL.  

DL meaning secret, down low. They can be married, or not out yet.  

Many of these men have children, full-time jobs, they are lawyers, police officers, pastors, judges, youth leaders, etc.  

I receive many many emails and facebook messages from older men that have lost their families and careers because they got caught hooking up with another man from Grindr or craigslist. 

There is one common thing that all these men have in common. 

They all long for male intimacy.  

They love their wives and children, but they also long for male intimacy.  

And they are not getting it from their current lives so they try to find it in a community that is supposedly all about male intimacy, the gay community.  

But let’s put this topic on hold for a second and go for a detour.

There is a book called "The Buddy System, Understanding Male Friendships," written by a professor of sociology names Geoffrey L. Greif.

This book goes through the life stages of the modern American male. 

Males have close buddies as children, teenagers, college students, young adults, then when they get married everything changes. 

They lose it all. 

They move away from friends and family for a job, their marriage, they start the American dream.  They have children and now all life is about their wife and children with none of their male needs for same-sex friendship being filled. Many of these men get depressed, suicidal, they feel lonely, etc. 

Another book that supports this epidemic, is the book Tribe written by Sebastian Junger.

He writes about the unity that takes place in communities that experience war and trauma.  

But he also states many men are going through great periods of loneliness because they are not connected to their male peers the way men should be connected. He gives stories after stories and research findings of PTSD and sexual abuse that men go through and how it is connected to men not getting the community they need.

My male generation has been given the tools and resources to reach out for help and live a gay or straight life if we want.

The older male generation, with all their shit they have been through, still played the part of the nuclear husband and father and denied their same-sex intimacy needs they have.  

Now, many of them are trying to find ways to meet those needs.  And sadly, not all are going to the church for those needs. 

Why? 

Well, the church right now doesn’t represent the safest place to express feelings because the Church is quite concerned with truth and holiness and somehow the Church seems to be a culture where everyone needs to be perfect, married, and happy. 

Not all church, but most! 

Older men were raised in the time period where they were not allowed to express their feelings, insecurities, etc.  

They were told being gay is the worse thing in the world as a man.  Gay men were faggots, sodomites, the lowest of the low on the spectrum of masculinity. 

Men need to be tough, married, have a good job, successful, church leaders, small group leaders, etc. 

The church became a place of perfection. 

But older men were not taught how to express the needs in their life or are too afraid to or just don’t even know how to put their needs into words so they do what feels so natural,

they turn to sexuality.  

They turn to the most pleasurable experience that sometimes makes us feel comfort, safety, power, and being known.

Especially being known.  

Some men start hooking up with women to deal with their stress and wanting to get away from the stresses of life and other men started going to men to deal with the stress of life and the want to get their same-sex needs met. 

Since male friendship aren't important in the Church right now, men who need same-sex friendships are going to a place where it's only filled with males,

Grindr.  

So, pastors, church leaders, priest, we need to fix this.  We need to step into this dark world of men hooking up with each other just to get their needs met and bring them into our homes, our hobbies, our vacations, our freedom.  

Let’s start talking about this over the pulpit, podcast, men’s retreats, men’s conferences, etc. 

Some of you guys reading this won’t believe half of what I am saying in this post, and that makes total sense to me.  

But do your own research, download Grindr and start talking to the multiple men using it that are married who are hurting and trying to find a quick feel-good moment because they are in pain trying to feel loved at the same time by other males.  

Humans are sinful, broken, messed up.

And Jesus comes into this place and breaks us even more so we can be healed properly.  

When you encounter men doing this, shit is going to get real, but it needs too so these men can be saved from the clutches of darkness. 

Some men will still lose their marriages,

their jobs, 

their long-term dreams,

friends,

maybe have to go to another church, 

but this stuff is all temporary, painful, but temporary.

God still has a purpose for them, he wants to love them and have us love them.

He will make a new home for them.  He wants to give them a new community of men to be loved by. 

He wants the Church to be better than Grindr. 

And it is.  

We can give them better intimacy than an orgasm can.  

We can go camping, watch movies, travel, share the same bed, give them hugs, work out, have coffee dates, worship God together, we can know them and they know us.  We can tell them we love them, they are important to us, and now and days we can say,

"Hey, I like you.  You are a cool guy. Let's keep hanging out. You mean a lot to me."

We can do what Jesus does, 

We can love them the way Christ loves the Church.  

What the Ex-Gay movement and Exodus International forgot to talk about - Beauty

What the Ex-gay movement and Exodus International did wrong, and what the Christian Church can do right! 

When I was 6 years old I remember thinking, “I like that boy.” 

When I was 9 years old I remember thinking, “That boy is cute, I want to see his private.”

When I was 12 years old I remember thinking, “I struggle with homosexuality.”

When I was 16 years old I was reading about Exodus International and Ex-gays.

When I was 17, I understood I would struggle with homosexuality for the rest of my life, THAT WHO I AM IS SINFUL and I needed the healing, redeeming, purifying love, grace, and discipline of the Holy Spirit and I was okay with that, and I wanted to follow a teaching from the Apostle James. 

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail."

As a 17-year-old, without any Biblical education, hopefully, I have at least some now, I thought, “Oh, I need to talk to my friends about my struggles.” 

And I did just that.

And it’s been an okay process. Ups and downs.  I just thought I had a sinful nature just like everyone else. I would find my friends attractive at times and I would talk about it with them and process it with them and just live life with them.  

Be Christian brothers.

Little did I know other Christians that struggled with homosexuality had a whole other agenda. 

They wanted to be straight.  They wanted to be heterosexual.  They wanted to be attracted to women.  

They were going through reparative therapy to go through healing, learning, and eventually waited to be attracted to women or men.  

Exodus International was the biggest “Ex-gay” ministry that was out there.  

I first heard about Exodus when I was 18 at Biola.  

I first loved the ministry and I sought out principles that I was learning from reparative therapy advocates.  I read Dr. Nicolosi’s work, Richard Cohen’s work, and listened to hours of lectures and testimonies of men explaining their process of reparative therapy.  

I related to a lot of their stories.  

But there was one thing I had tension with early on in my findings.  

There was this eager desire to become straight. To be attracted to women. 

I think a lot of reparative therapy and ex-gay theories are actually good. 

And I think the goodness has been lost in the messy narrative its been included in when politics and theology debates are leading the charge on this topic. 

For those that really know what reparative therapy is, I would say here are the good points, 

1.  Let’s talk about our upbringing and hurts and pains that took place in regards to our own existence as a male or female.  
2. Let’s talk about attachments in our lives.  Are they healthy or good?
3. Let’s talk about your own perception of your gender qualities. (that’s right, I believe in only 2 genders and that there is a healthy way to express those in a certain culture)
4. Let's address the hurts and pains with people that have harmed our existence.
5. Let's work on healthy attachments with parents or those that were in authority in your childhood. 
6. Let's work on building confidence in our own gender insecurities.

I think I can keep listing a lot, and I would argue, all these points are really good for any human to go through.  

What lost my interest was this passion or urgency to get rid of same-sex attraction and be opposite-sex attracted.

The Christian theological premise that God made men and women to be attracted (spiritually, emotionally, and physically,) to each other I can accept.  Especially the physical part.  There is a sexual and aesthetic attraction men and women have for each other. 

But there was never a Christian theological premise that men and women cannot be attracted to their own biological sex or find beauty in them.

And this is where things get messy.

Same-sex attraction isn’t all sinful.  This is where the aesthetic and sexual attraction needs to be distinguished and talked about. 

Brad Pitt? Hawt or not? Most say Hawt.  Doesn’t mean sexual.

I think Michael Fassbender is good looking.  Does that mean I want to have sex with him?  Actually, sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t.  Depends how far I let my mind wander.

Cameron Diaz, I think she is hawt and I don’t care how old she is.  

Women are allowed to comment on the beauty of men and women. 

But men are not. 

All that to say, what has been lost in the Evangelical conversation about this issue is the topic of beauty.

God made beauty.  

And we are allowed to be attracted to it.

Now, we need to learn how to process that attraction as we are being redeemed.  

When I was following Exodus International and ministries like the Gay Christian Network, all I kept hearing was debating about did God make people gay or not. And if God did, we don’t need to change that because God made us like that. Luckily Justin Lee denounced that idea at a seminar I went to where he and Wesely Hill chatted with each other.  

But a big focus, and it is still a focus today, is the topic of orientation.  
There is an idea that what we are oriented to sexually means we are allowed to pursue that.  

But even more intriguing to me is the idea that we can't accept our fallenness and our same-sex attraction. Even in Alan Chamber's apology letter after exodus closed down, he mentions that he never admitted to others that for years he still had same-sex attraction because during this time same-sex attraction was only considered sinful.  And they didn't distinguish between the godly intimacy desired in same-sex attraction and lust in same-sex attraction. 

And Exodus International seemed to be all about “change.”  But to be fair to Exodus International, it was treated unfairly and so was Alan Chambers.  Exodus at the end of its days wasn’t all about reparative therapy.  

But many many, now Side A Christians, blamed Exodus for telling them they can be straight if they go through the process of reparative therapy.

But what I heard as an 18-year old was....

“How can we not be attracted to Beauty anymore?”

“How can we get rid of the fact that men and women are attractive?”

Exodus was focusing on childhood trauma, which isn’t bad.  But got lost in the truth that as God is redeeming us, we need to learn how to process his beauty the way he wants us to.

What does that mean?

Well, it means as a man who finds other men beautiful, I need to make sure I distinguish between my want to experience intimacy with this beauty and lust with this beauty. 

I need to search my heart and see the sin in my life, despite whatever childhood trauma I have experienced, and lack of attachments I may have and experience the Holy Spirit's guidance as we get to experience the goodness of the Kingdom.  

And the means experiencing the Church! 

Experiencing Friendships! 

Experiencing the goodness and beauty of touch.  

Experience the goodness and beauty of healthy emotional dependency and affirmation from our same-sex friends.

Telling each other, “I love you.”  “You mean a lot to me.” “Let’s make some friendship vows.” 

Crying with each other.  Celebrating life events with each other.  

Let’s Experience the goodness and beauty of each other’s bodies.  Let’s go camping, hiking, traveling together.  Let’s sleep in the same bed with each other.  Let’s go to the gym together.  Let’s sit close to each other, arm and arm, leg and leg, and Chill and watch Netflix. Let’s hit the locker room together, communal showers, spas, etc.  There are many ways to experience the goodness and beauty of each other’s bodies besides sex.  

Sex is good, but right now it is an idol in the church and I’m over it. 

Let’s experience the goodness and beauty of community. 

Let’s live together, vacation together, have each other over for dinner.  

Let’s sacrifice our American dream and nuclear family so the Kingdom of God can start invading the lives of people in our communities. 

When I heard that men and women were trying to become straight,  I thought that was silly. 

When I hear Side A Christian men, blame Alan Chambers and Exodus international for “damage they have done.”  I think it is silly.  

One of the number one principles in the world of Psychology is that were are responsible for our choices.

Most Side A Christians became side A because they couldn’t “Change.” 

 But why would anyone want to change their attraction to beauty? 

Maybe it was the fault of the Church and Exodus international because they didn’t address the topic of beauty. 

I receive a lot of pushback about the 4TS because I challenge people to embrace the environments they belong to such as the locker room.

God doesn’t get rid of beauty when it is stained, he redeems it.  He purifies it.  He sanctifies it.  

God doesn’t want you to turn your existence away from what you should be experiencing if that is what you should be experiencing.  

A husband to a wife, a wife to a husband, a friend to a friend, a Christian to a church, an artist to a painting, a chief to food, a human to nature, a man to challenge, a woman to motherhood, women to business, etc.

God tells us to resist sin.  Resist what doesn’t belong to us.  

But he never tells us to change our attraction. To change our belonging.  

He doesn’t say, “You don’t belong to the locker room.”  “You don’t belong to communal showers.  “You don’t belong to deep same-sex intimacy.”  “You don’t belong to a community.”  
“You can’t see your same-sex friends naked.” 

What he says is to pursue all that is good, righteous and loving. 

Let your mind be renewed and changed into his perfect will, which is to love Him and others. 

Too many Christians buy into the lie they can't learn to control their thoughts.  This isn't the Christian message of sanctification. Sanctification calls us to confront our sins, our lustful attractions. And that is dealt with differently for different sins and different time periods in the life of a Christian.  

And this is what the Christian Church can do.  

Let’s pursue goodness, truth, love, and now let’s pursue

same-sex beauty.  

This isn’t something we need to change.  

We don’t need to be like the Side A Christians who tried to change their attraction to beauty.  

and let's not be like Exodus International and its related ministries that tried to avoid the sin of homosexual desires so much that it becomes gnostic in its pursuit of holiness.

Let’s be Children of God that are being redeemed and being shown how to have proper desires and experiences of all beauty. 

It paid off to live in the dorms and see so many friends naked and their penis’.  I was taught to not sexualize them and see them as my bothers.  

I was being sanctified and being taught how to see beauty the right way.  

My Mormon Brothers, lets talk about your members who struggle with Homosexuality.

To my Mormon Brothers, Let’s talk about your same-sex attraction and your theology of marriage.  

A couple of years ago I took an EMT course and became friends with someone that grew up Mormon.  I remember when I walked into the class, heard the instructor say we needed to find a study partner, I looked around and saw a good-looking guy there and told myself, “I want to be study partners with that guy.”  

He eventually moved in with me and my Biola buddies and we had hours upon hours discussing the differences between Mormonism and what I will call Traditional Christianity.  There was a very interesting observation I saw with my buddy who was Mormon, he starting reading Christian Trinitarian authors' books about marriage and was thrilled to find out we don’t believe a Christian needs to be married to enter into Heaven to live with Jesus and the Father, and I will add, The Holy Spirit. 

4 years later, we are still friends. 

I got to learn from him about Mormonism and he got to learn from me about how we nonmormons see Jesus Christ and Marriage. 

At the end of the day, Mormons see Jesus differently than how historical Christianity says he should be seen.
 
But I’m not going to get into that.  

And I want to apologize for how Christians, especially evangelicals, have treated you guys.  My evangelical family is very passionate, but also very arrogant in their portrayal of how they see the truth about doctrines.  We do have fundamental differences, but those differences should be communicated with much more grace and time with each other. 

Sorry for being rude to you guys and acting like jerks. 

Please forgive us.

What I want to address and what I am very passionate about is the fact that many members of the LDS Church struggle with homosexuality.  

And your Theology of marriage is hurting them. 

It is forcing them to enter into marriage covenants for the sake of entering into the highest Heaven.  

Of what I know, the Celestial Kingdom is the highest of the three kingdoms of heaven in Mormon Doctrine.  The other two kingdoms are the Terrestrial and Telestial. In the Celestial Kingdom, the righteous will live with God and Jesus Christ. 

In the Celestial Kingdom, the glory a Mormon receives is broken down into three levels.  In order to attain the highest degree of glory, there are many requirements. 

1.  A Mormon must have a testimony of Jesus Christ.
2. Be baptized by a person with the proper priesthood authority. 
3. Keep the commandments. 
4. Receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. 
5. Overcome temptation and worldly things through faith. 
6. Become perfected through the atonement of Christ. 

But the most important one, which is what I want to address, is this belief, 

If a person wants to receive the highest glory in the Celestial Kingdom, that person needs to be in an eternal marriage. 

The Doctrine of the Covenants explains that marriage is the highest order of the priesthood and that eternal marriage is also referred to as New and Everlasting Covenant of Marriage.  Families live together in the highest degree of glory in the Celestial Heaven. 

And I have a pickle with this belief! 

and I am talking to the Mormon Church leaders here.

Why?

Well, part of the Christian tradition, which you guys say you are a part of, says that you don’t have to be married.  

Jesus says when we live with him in paradise we will be like the angels in Heaven who are not married.  

The apostle Paul also spoke about this and encouraged his Church members to not be married so they can do more for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus.  

And so to the LDS Church leaders, why are you teaching something that goes against the teaching of Jesus and the Apostles?  

And do you not see that your LDS members who are attracted to the same sex are going to have a hard time getting married because they don’t always relate to the heteronormative standards that Mormonism places on its members? 

This is really hard stuff. 

How would it feel if you felt pressured to marry someone of the same sex because your community says that needs to happen to be valued and to enter into the highest of Heaven's glory? 

That would suck, wouldn't it?

 Mormons who struggle with homosexuality and your singles have a lot of pressure on them to enter into a relationship that might not work out for them. That actually might be unhealthy for them. 

They may need their human relational needs met in a different way than what Joseph Smith and your Church leaders teach.  

I have quite a few Mormon Followers following the 4TS and the Church, not because of my Trinitarian beliefs, but because they are trying to figure out how to experience godly, holy, same-sex intimacy outside the behemoth in your religion called Marriage and want to experience healthy platonic intimacy in friendship.

Friendship is also eternal.  Jesus and his apostles taught that it was eternal.  

You see, The LDS Church has also made marriage an idol just like my evangelical friends have done.  

Although my evangelical friends don’t believe marriage is eternal, they sure do act like it is.  

And this is what you guys have in common, the evangelical church and the Mormon Church is so focused on marriage that it forgot to take care of its members that struggle with homosexuality.

It forgets to meet the needs of those that Jesus calls his own.  

It forgets to meet the needs of those that are baptized in his name.  

It forgets to meet the needs of those that are pursuing righteousness and holiness.

It forgets to meet the needs of those that have received the Gift of the Holy Spirit.

It forgets to walk alongside those that really want to follow Jesus.  

I think the fact the Mormon Church is what basically paid for Prop 8 to be one of the most debated laws in the U.S. shows that it cares more about the definition of marriage in a political sense and doesn’t care about the laws of Jesus regarding loving those within his church.  

Many Evangelical Christians and Mormons who struggle with homosexuality leave our churches to get these deep platonic needs met because our churches are not offering to them the relational needs they need to be a human.  

The 4TS is one way to meet their needs. 

Please, start talking about how you can give your Mormon brothers and sisters touch.  Healthy platonic intimate touch.  Touch goes a long way for every human.  Sex isn't the only way to experience loving accepting touch.  

Please, start talking about how you spend your time with your Church members.  If they are valuable to Christ, then they should be valuable to you! Jesus once said, “His brothers and sisters are those that do the Father’s will.”

Please, start talking about healthy ways of transparency and vulnerability.  Talk about the body, what does it mean to be attracted to the same sex and what does it mean to lust after the same sex.  How can you guys be more emotionally connected with each other in friendships?  A transparent connection is very important to someone who struggles with homosexuality.  

and lastly, be the CHURCH! Establish Teamwork.  Start inviting your singles in your Church over for dinners and family vacations.  If you believe that family will be eternal, then there is no reason why you can’t spend some earthly time with those that are single or struggle with homosexuality. You have eternity to be with your family, at least help your members who may feel lonely by including them into your circle of love that God has given you.  Value Church community over family.  I am not saying that family isn’t important, but what I am challenging is the priority of a follower of Jesus. The Church and its members are just as important as your immediate family.  

Jesus wanted his Church to be the relationship that his followers would get their needs met, 
Why? because it is through his Church that he actively works on earth. 

So, to the LDS Leaders, you have members that struggle with homosexuality.  Start talking about it.  Start asking God to show you how to love those that struggle with this in real practical ways.  Don’t assume marriage will solve all the issues and help you guys not have to deal with this. 

Sometimes I feel like my evangelical family does that to me.  

Don’t be like them.  

Follow Jesus, he is your savior, teacher, and God.

Why not teach what he taught?

"Love your neighbors as you love yourself."