I got out of the church service, my heart beating fast, I called my friends, but no one answered. Then there was the last person I could name, but I didn't want to call him because he is married, has children, has a life, and maybe he would say, "Sorry Richard, I don't have time to hear your pain." Or perhaps he was about to have sex with his wife, so he isn't answering my phone call because he knows it will cost him a very intimate, pleasurable experience with his wife. (that's the thinking I started to have as a 23-year-old when all I heard from pastors and bible professors regarding the marriage relationship)
But I knew I needed help and was responsible for reaching for help, so I called him.
And…………
He answered.
He heard me.
He talked to me.
He encouraged me.
His name is Matthew.
I was in pain because I heard a sermon that hurt me. I wasn't wronged, just felt extreme pain. I was screaming into the phone, sobbing, kicking inside my car, and cussing loudly towards God because I was so angry, and Matthew just heard me. We processed what I was feeling.
I felt anger toward God because I was attracted to men and lusted after men, and had a deep want to connect with men. I had to hear a pastor tell me I needed to be celibate. That is when I lost it. First, I didn't even understand celibacy and the difference between celibacy and singleness commanded to practice chastity. I hate when a straight man thinks he can say that with authority to me. Doesn't he know there is a difference between living/pursuing a life of celibacy and being single and abstaining from sex until marriage? You can't force a life of celibacy on someone. Abstaining from sex until marriage is something all Christians are called to. That is not a gift. That is a command. That is a calling and a gift from God for the sake of the Gospel for the Church.
You can't force someone's cross on them. You can only help them carry it.
The cross isn't pieces of wood to put signs on telling others they must die for their sin and be celibate.
Or worse......
The cross isn't a 45-minute sermon on how you tell others they need to be celibate. The words of Jesus do that, and the weight of the cross reminds them of what they need to go through.
You can only help them carry it.
Trust me, they don't need reminders of how hard it will be.
Although I know the solutions to a lot of the pain I experience, I still feel the pain because of the lack of intimacy offered to me through a local Church.
At the same time, so many of my friends who are Christians and in the Church have loved me and offered me the intimacy that I need.
And it is great!
I have friends who have held me and hugged me because I need touch.
Friends have held me as I cried in their arms because I felt pain.
I have friends who woke up at 3 am in the morning as I was knocking on their door because I thought I was going to kill myself, and they answered the door. They talked to me throughout the night, gave me a soda, offered me a place to stay for the night, and just loved on me.
I have friends who have trusted me and been vulnerable in ways that are not the norm, but they know I need intimacy in a way that isn't normal.
The Church has been there for me.
And it is becoming more of a safe place for others who struggle with homosexuality.
Although the media and Christians who are pro-gay romantic relationships paint the Church as some evil place that discriminates against homosexuals, it isn't true.
The reality is that we disagree on this topic and think that gay relationships are ungodly.
So when I called my friend Matthew, he knew I wanted to be in a gay relationship, but he also knew I needed intimacy with males in the Church.
And my other friends know that too.
My favorite stories to hear from them are how they love others who struggle with homosexuality or how they are helping others understand how to love someone who is attracted to the same sex practically.
It is a bummer people don't understand our needs and don't always think about how they can practically love us. Still, I'm learning that is what life will be about, how to handle curve balls.
It breaks my heart to see so much anger directed toward the Church because of the lack of understanding the Church may have regarding homosexuality and other sexual topics the Church needs to address.
But the Church isn't Heaven.
It is human.
It will not be perfect and need more education on specific topics.
And it will not agree with specific topics, mainly when they have already been dealt with and settled within the Church for the past 2000 years.
Suppose you are a Christian that struggles with homosexuality. In that case, I urge you to be vulnerable with a group of friends that you can trust.
They will only sometimes understand, but they can try.
They might not always listen, so then you go to other friends.
They can hug you, and some might fear giving you one.
Others will ask you to move in with and live with them, and others will stop talking to you.
Throughout all of this, remember to forgive them. That is the heart of Jesus.
Let's not lose compassion, forgiveness, and endurance to strive for righteousness.
Jesus wanted all his followers to be compassionate, forgiving, and seeking holiness as we pick up our cross and follow Him.
Picking up our cross means we will feel pain.
Picking up our cross means we will die to our sin and evil desires.
Picking up our cross means we will die.
Picking up our cross means we will be resurrected with a transformed life.
Picking up our cross means we will be glorified like our brother and King, Jesus Christ.
Picking up our cross means it will be too heavy, and sometimes someone will help us carry it to our death, like what happened to Jesus.
When I called my friend after that Church service, I felt the weight of my cross, and he was helping me carry it.
He was the Church, the person the Holy Spirit would use to help me carry my cross.
He was the Hands and Feet of Jesus - The Church, and the Church is doing great!
It is learning how to meet the needs of Christians attracted to the same sex and lust after the same sex.